A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too!
Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you
from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man.
“I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did
you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint
Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at
the bar.
“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are
drunk again.”
Author: admin
Mama i love u
my mother ask me whether i wanted to eat lunch that day wif my younger brother..i hate him very much but i love my mother so i did it for her
The Lovers of Poetry
Two lovers of poetry used to meet occasionally for a stroll in the Countryside and discuss the attributes of their favourite Bards. On one such occasion, the lover of Shakespeare and the lover of Wordsworth met and whilst strolling along, were confronted by an elderly man with a very straight back and very bandy legs. Immediately the lover of Shakespeare said to his colleague.
�How would your Wordsworth have described this chap�. Without any hesitation, he replied, �Wordsworth would have said,
Lo! Here comes a venerable gent, his back is straight, though his legs are bent�. Then he immediately enquired of his friend,
�What would your mate Shakespeare have said?� The reply was, �What manner of man is this, who approaches us with his Balls in Parenthesis�.
Mr. Bill Gates in Brussels
“Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”
“Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”
“Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”
“No”
“Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your
name?”
“Bill Gates”
“Country?”
“The USA”
“Native language?”
“English”
“Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use
this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face
with a pie?”
“Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person
distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”
“We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a
custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”
“Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any custard, so
I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”
“Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”
“Yes”
“Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”
“No”
“Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”
“Yes”
“Any pies then?”
“No”
“Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come in
again. I’ll wait.”
“Just a minute..” “Okay, I’m back.”
“Did you get hit by another pie?”
“Of course not”
“Well sir, I don’t know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks
like things are working fine now. I’ll make a note of the problem though.
If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and
call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. “
Country Music Singers
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a
little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the
sheet covering the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the
corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out,
and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… Just can’t
wait to get on the road again…”
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music
stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the medical examiner over
to the corpse.
“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as
he pulled the cork back out again.
“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
“So what?”, the medical examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the
student’s discovery.
“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the
student.
“Are you kidding?” replied the examiner, “Any asshole can sing country
music.”
Political Joke – anti-Democrat
I think therefore I am (not a Democrat…)
Getting the bug out
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife’s screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can’t rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he’ll perform the deed if the husband and wife don’t object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn’t stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, ‘What the hell’s happening?’ To which the doctor replies, ‘Change of plan. I’m going to drown the bastard!!!
A new national anthem?
Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new
national anthem for the United States, “Yank my Dandy Doodle!”
En el colegio la profesora
En el colegio la profesora les dice a sus alumnos: “hoy haremos ejercicios de comparaci�n”.
“A ver Juanito, un ejemplo de algo malo que se convierta en algo peor”
“Algo malo: tener fiebre; algo peor: morirse de esa fiebre.
“T� Oscarito”.
“Algo malo profesora: mojarse con la lluvia; algo peor: que te d� neumon�a por haberte mojado.
“�Y t� Pepito?”
“Algo malo maestra: que te obliguen a agacharte y te metan un paraguas por el culo; algo peor: que teniendo el paraguas dentro del culo �lo abran!”
Grand Canyon
What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?You just have to remember one thing…Don’t look down!!
A bit of variety
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.
“Good grief” says Jim, “You and Sue are the happiest couple I know – why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?”
“Well” replies Fred, “Truth be known I’m just bored with pokin’ the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”
Jim: “Well if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”
Fred: “What – and have a house full of kids???”
Fun things to do on the first day of class
This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!” 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!” 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”. 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.