Author: admin

I regret

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God invited Nixon and Brezhnev to come talk to him in heaven. He says each of
them can only ask one question.
“When will the unemployment go down in America?” asks Nixon. “In twenty
years,” answers God. “I regret that it will not happen in your lifetime.”
“And when will the Russian people gain happiness?” asked Brezhnev. God
answered, “I regret that it will not happen in my lifetime!”

Good Elephant

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A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad
in the newspaper. The ad said, “I will give $10,000 to any
person that can make my elephant jump.”

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to
get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried,
but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, “Are you the
guy with the ad?” The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked,
“Is that your elephant?” “Yes.” The rich man replies. Then the
guy went back to his car.

He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit
the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8
feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000.
The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off.

The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the
paper. The ad said, “I will give anyone $20,000 to make my
elephant turn his head from side to side.” The man had seen his
elephant’s head move up and down but never from side to side.

People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant
to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it.
When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up.

He walked up to the elephant and said, “Do you remember me?” The
elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, “Do
you want me to do it again?” The elephant then shook his head
from side to side frantically.

Once an Italian, a Polish

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Once an Italian, a Polish person and Czechoslovakian went camping.

While they were sleeping two giant bears came and ate them all. The
rangers came and found the torn up camp site. Then they saw the bears.
They shot the bears and cut open the female. In the bear they found the
Italian and the Polish person. One ranger said to the other “where’s the
Czechosolvakian?” The other ranger said: “the Czech’s in the male.”

Catholic Boy

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A 8 year old boy went up to his mother and asked for a new bike. His mother replied ” There are seven children in this family if you want a bike you will have to do 1 Hail Mary and pray to God for the new bike”So the boy went to his room kneeled down and prayed ” Dear God I have been a good boy…” ” No that’s not true ” he thought. He started over ” Dear God, I have been a good boy most of the time….” “No that’s not true either” He thought and started over again, ” Dear God I have tried to be a good boy…” “No that is not true either” He jumped up ran into the living room grabbed something put it under his arm ran back to his room and through it under his bed. The boy got back on his knees and started his prayer again, “Dear God, I want a bike and if you ever want to see your mother again you will get it for me”

Farmer’s wife

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So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife’s tits and says, “If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.”

He grabs her butt and says, “If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

The wife grabs the farmer’s dick and says, “And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Giving More Than 100%

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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this…

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then…

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But…

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And..
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you…

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.