A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he’s very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle.After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, “Don’t worry, it’s just a small prick.”The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, “Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?”
Author: admin
Grosser than gross
What is grosser than gross?Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?
How to sell everything
One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. “Watch this,” he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. “May I help you, sir?” The man replied, “I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn.”So the supervisor said, “Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag.””Why is that?””The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won’t,” the supervisor answered.”Fine,” the man agreed, “I’ll take the ten-pounder.” “Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?””Rake? What do I need that for?””Well sir,” said the supervisor authoritatively, “if you don’t rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertiliser, it won’t all reach the soil.””All right then. I’ll get the stiff rake.””Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?”The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, “Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertiliser. What do I need a sprinkler for?” Calmly, the supervisor responded, “Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilising, the fertiliser will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you’ll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.”This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. “OK, then. I’ll take all this.””Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that,” asked the supervisor.Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. “LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertiliser. You’ve already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!”Calm as ever, the supervisor said, “Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you’ll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you’ll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you’re going to need it either way.”Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. “Fine. I’ll get the electric mower, but that’s it!””Very good sir. I’ll ring that up for you.”After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, “So, do you think you could do that?” The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, “May I help you sir?”The man replied, “Yes. I need some tampons for my wife.” Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can’t imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! “Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?””Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?””Well sir,” the trainee answered, “I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass.”
Army Sex – Its about Time
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
“1956,” was his immediate reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Honey, you need to get out more.”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 2014 now.”
Like a glove
Doc,Doc!!! iv got a problem. Well out with it son. iv got 5 pinises. good lord man!!! how do your pants fit. like a glove.
Why a Beer is Better than Women
1.You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2.A frigid beer is good.
3.A beer doesn’t care when you come home.
4.When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
5.A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
6.A beer never gets a headache.
7.If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
8.You can share a beer with a friend.
9.You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
10.A beer is always wet.
11.You can have a beer in public.
12.You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
13.A beer doesn’t get pregnant.
14.A beer doesn’t have parents.
15.You can say whatever you want to a beer.
16.A beer doesn’t care if you are late.
17.And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
Pulled Over Doing 93 MPH
Bob was driving home over the golden gate bridge at about 90mph. wouldn’t you
know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. bob pulled over like a good
citizen; recalling rodney king and recent illegal alien incidents.
the cop walked up to the window and said, “you know how fast you were going
boy?!?”
bob thought for a second and asked, “uhhh, over 55?”
“93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!”
“but if you already knew,” replied bob, “why did you ask me?”
ignoring bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, “that’s
speeding and you�re getting a ticket and a fine!” the cop took a good look at
the bob and said, “you don’t even look like you have a job! why,… i’ve never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”
bob recanted, “i’ve got a job! i have a good, well paying job!”
the cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his
breath, said, “what kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?”
“i’m an a****** stretcher!!!” replied bob.
“what you say, boy?!?” asked the patrolman.
“i’m an a****** stretcher!!!”
of course the cop asked, “what does an a****** stretcher do?”
bob explained, ” people call me up and say they want to be stretched, so i go
over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one
whole hand, then two. then i pull them farther and farther apart until its six
feet across.”
the cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked,
“what the hell do you do with a six foot a****** ?”
bob nonchalantly commented, “you give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!
Floppy disks
Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!!
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk.
Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap.
When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine.
If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing.
Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.
Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand.
Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document.
Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
If white ppl are crackers and black ppl are…
If white ppl are crackers and black ppl are burnt crackers, wut are mixed ppl????
Oreos!
How Deaf?
A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.” The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
More Brain Cells Than A Cow
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don’t shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don’t moo.
Health tip
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven’t been feelin’ meself lately!.””Tis a good thing, too – that was a nasty habit you had!”, responded McMaken.