What happens if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Author: admin
How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?
How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?
Fill the gas tank!
Skipping Church to Go Golfing
There once was a vicar who loved to golf. One Sunday he decided
to skip church and play golf. So he phoned the church and said
he was ill. He then went to the golf club far away from town,
and started to play.
There was an angel above watching him. The angel said to god,
“That was a terrible thing to do. He should be punnished.” God
agreed. So on the next hole the vicar teed off and struck the
ball straight down onto the green and into the hole.
The angel said to god, “I thought you were going to punnish him.”
God said “I am. Who is he going to tell about his hole-in-one?!”
Machine Breakdown
This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called a “critical detector” senses the operator’s emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.
The “critical detector” then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
Insert disk2
An IBM customer had troubles in installing software and rang for support, “I
put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk and I
had. Some problems with that disk when it said put in the third disk – I
couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert disk 2” meant
to remove disk 1 first.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Cicero!Cicero who?Cicero the
Knock KnockWho’s there?Cicero!Cicero who?Cicero the boat ashore!
The fountain of yooth
There was once 3 men that were about to die. And they did
nothing wrong in there lives. So they went to a magician
and ask him “We want to be younger.” So the magician said ” All
of you have to go and do something very bad, tell me
and you can go and drink the fountain of yooth. So the 3 men
went to do something bad and came to tell the magician.
The first one came and said ” I murdered somebody.” Then the
magician told him to drink the fountain of yooth. Then
the other man said “I stolded 5 womens purses.” And again the
magician told him to go and drink the fountain of yooth.
Then the other one came and said ” I pissed in the fountain of
yooth.”
Instructions
To start the day rightly:
Instructions
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it “George W. Bush”.
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you: “Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?”
6. Answer calmly “Yes” pressing firmly on the mouse’s button.
Blind Blonde Joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender “Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. “What?s more, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2,” weighs 225 lb and he’s a blond weight lifter,” he continues, “The fella to your right is blond, 6’5″ and pushing 300 lb and he’s a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy goes: “Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Thoughts for the Day
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”
* Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts–On the last Geraldo.
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Johnny’s First Job
Little Johnny applied for a salesman’s job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, ‘Have you ever been a salesman before?’ ‘No, this is my first job,’ said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, ‘You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.’
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, ‘How many sales did you make today?’ ‘One,’ said the young salesman. ‘Only one?’ blurted the boss, ‘Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??’ ‘Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars.’ said Little Johnny.
‘How did you manage that?’ asked the flabbergasted boss. ‘Well,’ said Little Johnny, ‘this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.’
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, ‘You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?’ ‘No.’ answered Little Johnny, ‘He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, ‘Well, your weekend’s screwed – you might as well go fishing.’ ‘
Bigger than a horse
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see’s a big jar full of 5’s and a little card it reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.
THE NEXT DAY:
The same guy walks in the bar again and see’s the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks “How did you do that?”
The guy says “The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!”