Why are men like paper cups?
They’re dispensable.
Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Curtis
Author: admin
Shag your sheep
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. ”So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?””Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.””That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. ”So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?””Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.””That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher. ”That’s how they do it in Cornwall too.” And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. ”So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?””Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.””Over your shoulders?” replies the researcher. ”Don’t you put them over a wall like everyone else?””What?” says the farmer. ”And miss out on all the kissing?!”
Truck Drivers
There once was a truck driver going the wrong way on a one way
street.
A police officer drives by and doesn’t pull him over. Why didn’t
he pull him over??
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
**
*
Did you guess? The police officer didn’t pull him over because
the truck driver was walking.
Do you suck?
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug – and the woman – over the railing. “God, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast. So he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you fuck?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck!, I fuck!” she screamed in panic.
“Slut,” he said… and dropped her.
Song Title
A great pianist was driving down a road when he saw a bar with a sign saying �MUSICIAN WANTED�. Being the hotshot he was, he walked in and offered to fill the void. So, the bartender told him to give a demo. So, the pianist went over to the piano and began to play.
The song was phenomenal, and the bartender was very impressed. The bartender promptly asked, �What was the name of that song?� The pianist smiled and said �What the hell is that on my dick?� The bartender was taken aback but told the pianist to play another song. This song was even better than the last, and the bartender was Very impressed.
Slightly reluctant he asked, �Was that song�s name?� The pianist said, �Them Tits is Fucking Huge!� The bartender was perplexed, but sighed and said, � You can play at my bar but you can�t announce the name of your songs.� One night the pianist is playing at a bar and he decides to spice it up a bit with performances during the songs. He�s doing flips, cartwheels, and such, but in the middle of one song he does the splits and rips his pants from the upper crotch to the lower ass, and like all good musicians, he wasn�t wearing underwear.
Strangely, he keeps playing as if nothing happened. A bit later a woman stands up and shouts � Don�t ya know yer balls is hangin� out?� The pianist whips around and says, �Not only don�t I know it, I wrote it!�
On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year o
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want too! and I will answer it truthfully.” The husband replies, “Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before… I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?” The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “Yes, he did have a different father.” Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay… I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?” Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed and after a long silence she slowly said, “YOU”.
Pepito estaba en la escuela,
Pepito estaba en la escuela, cuando la maestra le comenta a los estudiantes que el p�rroco de la iglesia ir�a a hacerles unas preguntas.
Lleg� el padre, y le dice a la maestra que escoger�a a un estudiante para hacerle unas preguntas y, por supuesto, escoge a Pepito. Lo mira y con la mano le dice uno.
Pepito le contesta de igual manera pero con dos dedos.
El religioso le pregunta con tres dedos, y Pepito le contesta con el pu�o. El cura pone los dedos de forma circular y Pepito de forma ovalada.
El sacerdote le informa a la maestra que Pepito es un muchacho inteligente. La maestra, intrigada, pregunta que por qu�, y el padre le explica:
“Yo le dije que hay un Dios y �l me dijo que no, que hay dos: Padre e Hijo. Le pregunt� qu� es la Sant�sima Trinidad y �l me dijo que es la m�s poderosa. Le dije que la hostia es redonda y �l me dijo que no, que es ovalada”.
Por su parte, los compa�eros de Pepito le preguntan a �ste que hab�a sido lo que el cl�rigo le pregunt� y Pepito, molesto, les dice:
“Ese padre es pato”.
“�Por qu� dices eso?”
“�l me dijo que me meter�a un dedo, yo le dije que le meter� dos. �l me dijo que me meter� tres, yo le dije que le meter� el bicho. Me dijo que me comer� el culo y yo le contest� que le comer� la chocha a la madre que lo pari�”.
The Top 16 Favorite Celebrity Dishes
16> Alec Baldwin — Country Potatoes (just not THIS country’s potatoes)
15> Russell Crowe — Catch of the Day
14> Sharon Stone — Chicken Thighs with a Clam
13> Jennifer Lopez — House Salad with Thin Skimpy Dressing, Melons Au Naturel, Juicy Rump Roast, and an Open-Blouse Chicken Breast Sandwich
12> Billy Bob Thornton — Mmmmm, Taters… er… I mean, Pomme Fritte
11> George Michael and Paul Reubens — Beef Strokinoff and Jerked Chicken
10> Sean “Puffy” Combs — Bowl of Lime J.Lo
9> Bob Packwood — Tongue, and lots of it
8> Rosie O’Donnell — One of Everything, Cutie-Patootey
7> Michael Jackson — Boys-n-berry Turnover, hold the berries
6> Marlon Brando — S’mores
5> Calista Flockhart — 16 oz. Ribeye with Creamed Spinach, Potato and Brie Terrine, Dobosh Torte, and an Ipecac Milkshake
4> Ang Lee — Crouching Chicken, Hidden Dumplings
3> Joan and Melissa Rivers — Bitches and Cream
2> Michael Douglas — Young rack of… well, just a young rack
1> James Gandolfini — Bada Bing Cherries
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]How Macho Are You
Q: What’s the definition of a really macho woman?A: She jump starts her vibrator.Q: What’s the definition of a really macho man?A: He puts on a condom with a tire iron.
Don’t Erase This
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,erased it and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
First Thing After Sex
Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Rejected Hallmark Cards
1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat.
Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends.
Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it. She moved in with me
7. You totaled your car. And can’t remember why.
Could it have been That whole case of Bud Dry?