NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVESMicrosoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements.After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, ‘It is now safe to turn off your partner.’DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Back out and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98’s potential. He recently said, ‘Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.’
Author: admin
Any sufficiently advanced technology is
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Computer Down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
Worries about mad cow disease
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary.
They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson
Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”
Erudite Limerick
I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions
I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!
“Monica Lewinsky” also spells:
Nice silky woman.
Like icy snowman.
Knew noisy claim.
Now in slimy cake.
Ya! Slick now mine.
We lick insomnia.
I know sin, malice.
I nail sick women.
Wank my silicone
Wonky manic lies.
I’m nice, slow Yank.
Now I mean sickly.
Now my sick alien.
O! wily nicknames.
Woman ski nicely.
Knows aim nicely.
Nice snowy milk.
Ways link income.
Cosily wank mine.
I only wanks mice.
I wank slimy once.
Oy! Nice wank, Slim.
No! wanks me icily.
Sick menial wino.
Insane milky cow.
Talking Muffins
There were two muffins in a oven one muffin said “Man its getting hot in here!”Then the other muffin yelled,
“AAAHHH a talking muffin!”
Blonde drowning
Q: how do you drown a blond?
A: put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Ballerina
A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stood behind him and raised her arm really high to get the bartender’s attention. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits. The drunk yelled at the bartender, ‘Get the ballerina a drink!’ She got her drink and went away. Later, she returned and raised her arm again. The drunk saw her and yelled to the bartender, ‘Get the ballerina another drink!’ She got her drink and went away again. The bartender asked the drunk how he knew she was a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before. The drunk replied, ‘She’s got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high.’
Ways to be annoying in computer labs
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the it to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
An IBM acronym
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.