A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Author: admin
Lawyer quickies 1
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? A: Senator. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? a: His lips are moving. Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? A: The vultures will eat the skunk. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk. Q: Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
A quote on marriage
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Face 2 Face
“Hey, how’s your face feeling?”
“Fine. Why?”
“Because it’s killing me!”
ABC
An airplane throws out all itz luggage trying to get over a mountain.still no luck The pilot talks to the passengers and says the only fair way is if they go by ABC,s how does everyone feel about that?Sounds fair they say.He says A;allyou African americans jump little black boy trys to get up his grandpa says np son sit back down.Pilot goes B; all you black people jump little black boy trys to get up again his grandpa says no son sit back down.Pilot goes C; all you colored people jump little black boy trys to get up again his grandpa says np son sit.little boy looks at his Grandpa an says were African American,were Black& were Colored his grandpa says no son wre not today were Niggers & were going after the M,F, Mexicans
Peanut Penis
Little Jenny comes home from playing at Dean’s house.”Hey Mum, guess what! Dean’s got a penis like a peanut!”Mum is understandably confused for a second, then questions, “What, you mean it’s shaped like a peanut?””No silly, it’s salty!”
French Boyfriend
Why did the blonde think her French boyfriend was romantic?
Because he stuck a candle in her bellybutton and ate by candle
light.
Driving Violations
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….
The man says “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: “Shut your damn mouth!”
Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?
Wife says: “No, only when he’s drunk!”
Dino-Rific!
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Two programmers see
Two programmers were walking along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, “Too bad that girls have no standard interface.”
“They have,” replied the other programmer, “but there is no standard way to get to it.”
Stuck on an island
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island.
One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)…
The first blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat.”
With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I need a jetski.”
With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks inquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, “Just give me a million dollars, I’ll take the bridge.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Guys go golfing
Two guys go golfing.
One guy hits the ball into a buttercup patch.
He heard a voice coming from the patch saying that if he hit the ball out, he would never get any butter on anything for the rest of his life.
The guy is of course very freaked out and calls for his partner,”Where are you?”
His partner replied “In the pussy willows.”
The first guy screams “For the love of God, don’t swing!”
Editted by Curtis