What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.
Author: admin
A quote on marriage
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.
Driver Has No Money
Sign seen on the back of a truck:
Driver carries no money, his wife has it!
The ducks
Two duck were walking and one duck dropped his food and he bent down to get it and the other duck said i could see your quack!!!
Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners
I was so poor growing up … If I wasn’t born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on
over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work…. I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”
I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox the
cat kept covering me up.
I’m so ugly… My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything
we could … but he pulled through.”
I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness – after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think
we’ll ever find them? He said, “I don’t know kid …
there are so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop and people kept
asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor “Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror … I feel like throwing up.
What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your
eyesight is perfect.”
The evolution of the Plan
In the beginning was the Plan And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was without substance And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves, saying, ‘It is a crock of shit, and it stinks.’ And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ‘It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.’ And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ‘It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.’ And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ‘It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.’ And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, ‘It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.’ And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ‘It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.’ And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, ‘This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.’ And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens.
Hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, “Why so glum?”
The guy responded, “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
“Hell’s not so bad,” the demon said.
“We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
“Sure,” the man said, “I love to drink.”
“Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”
The guy is astounded “Damn, that sounds great.”
“You a smoker?” the demon asked.
“You better believe it!”
“You’re gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out!
If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?”
“Wow, the guy said, “that’s awesome!”
The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you’re dead anyhow.
You into drugs?”
The guy said, “Are you kidding?
I love drugs! You don’t mean . . “
“That’s right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!”
“Wow,” the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
The demon said, “You gay?”
“No.”
“Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!”
Which is Best?
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell’s Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn’t interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn’t matter, everyone’s peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there’s plenty of both it – and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald’s
Dating Hell
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert.
During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn’t want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. “Oh crap,” he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. “Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?” he asks. “No problem, I’d like to look around too,” she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men’s fashions are on the right, women’s fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn’t see him buying the pants. He doesn’t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) “Just the pants.” “What?” asks the Gap girl. “Just the pants!” (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: “Oh, OK.” He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out… just the sweater.
Rednecks weading
If your father walkes your mother down the ile on your weading day. you might be a redneck
Chapped lips
A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender “Whiskey!”
The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke “Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Why’d you do that?”
The cowpoke replies “Chapped lips.”
“Chapped lips?” asks the bartender, “Is that a cure for chapped lips?” “No” says the cowpoke, “but it sure’s hell stops you from lickin’ ’em.”
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in
Washington, D. C. The committee was in a quandary as to where to place the
statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington,who
never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill
Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he
was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the people of Israel, “Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.”
Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, ” Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land.”
Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the
price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate
people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous
contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally,
Bill Clinton Statue Committee