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Dead Duck

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Three men go duck hunting one day. Two of them are inundated with stories from
the third about his “great” duck hunting abilities. After a few hours the first
two men have bagged a couple of ducks each, but the braggart hasn’t taken a
shot. They question him on this, so he agrees to show his shooting abilities at
the next opportunity.

A few moments later, one lone duck comes flying by. As promised, the braggart
stands up and squeezes off one shot. The duck keeps flying!

“Gentlemen, you have just witnessed a miracle,” says the braggart pointing at
the receding duck, “for there flies a dead duck.”

Something to Think About

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In 1923, Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.

Como tarea, los alumnos deber�an

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Como tarea, los alumnos deber�an decir un dicho popular y presentar algo alusivo al mismo. Para entrar al sal�n, la maestra les pide que presenten la tarea, y empiezan a desfilar los alumnos.

El primero es Jorgito que lleva una ramas en la cabeza y dice:

“Al que a buen �rbol se arrima, buena sombra le cobija”.

“Muy bien Jorgito, tienes 10 de calificaci�n”.

Sigue Miguelito que, al igual que Jaimito, no tra�a tarea, por lo que se les ocurre entrar abrazados. Al verlos as�, la maestra les pregunta sobre la tarea.

“Dime con qui�n andas y te dir� qui�n eres”, responden los chiquillos.

La maestra los felicita y les otorga 10 de calificaci�n.

As�, van entrando todos los alumnos. La maestra, al ver que Pepito no tra�a nada de tarea lo deja al final. Pero, en ese lapso a Pepito se le ocurre algo: toma un vaso desechable que estaba tirado; lo llena de agua y, al entrar al sal�n, se saca el pene y lo mete al vaso al tiempo que dice:

“Lo que se tenga que pelar, que se vaya remojando”.

2 Docs on a Date.

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing!”

The Top 15 Signs You’re Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr

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15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.

14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with “Testing… 1, 2, 3.”

13. You’re a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.

12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)

11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.

10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors implicate you in the “paste-eating incident of 1968.”

9. You haven’t been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you had that little bladder problem.

8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes “Ace Ventura-Gate.”

7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver’s license picture nude from the waist down.

6. Jay Leno’s making lame jokes about you and you’re not an Iraqi dictator.

5. You don’t mind your toddler asking for a “detailed account of your unscrupulous business practices” in lieu his usual bedtime story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.

4. You’re the only contributor who’s getting topics like “Top 5 Signs I’ve Made Millions In Shady Land Deals.”

3. Pupils in Lincoln’s portrait dilate a bit when the French Ambassador’s daughter asks you to pass the KY.

2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house, instead of vice versa.

1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including “Crunchy Microphones”?

Eran las tres de la

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Eran las tres de la ma�ana, cuando un borracho llega hasta la puerta de su casa. Haciendo gran esc�ndalo este despierta a su mujer que desde el segundo piso se da cuenta que el borracho (su esposo) no pod�a entrar.

En eso la mujer le dice al borracho:

“Mi amor, aqu� te van las llaves.”

Y el borracho le contesta:

“Mejor t�rame el hoyo, que es el que no encuentro.”

Drinking in the family

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An Irishman visited a local tavern and ordered three beers. When the bartender served him the beers, he lined them up on the bar and began drinking one at a time. Once he had finished the 3 beers, he ordered another round. The bartender offered to the man that he would be glad to draw the beers for him individually so that they would remain cold and fresh.The Irishman replied that he had spent many years drinking beers with his two brothers and he cherished those memories. One of his brothers had been transferred to the Far East and the other to London. By pretending that his brothers were still drinking with him, he was able to reminisce and enjoy himself. The bartender accepted this explanation and, each time the Irishman came to the bar, he continued to serve him the beers in this fashion.One day the Irishman came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender was concerned and offered his condolences, thinking that, perhaps one of the brothers had passed away. “Oh, no’,” replied the Irishman, “…they’re doing just fine…it’s just that I gave up drinking for lent.”

Tips for marriage

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1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and
companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

2. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in California.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I
haven’t been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops.

6. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because she thought
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She said, “In the
lake.”

7. Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember this: Marriage is
the number one cause of divorce.

8. In fact, statistically 100 percent of all divorces start with marriage.

9. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was
Always.

10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don’t like to
interrupt her.

11. I’ll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on
the TV?” I answered, “Dust!”

Three Women on an Island

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Three women were stranded on an island. They were all friends. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and the other one was a blonde. The blonde woman found an antique mirror laying on the sand and showed her friends. The brunette took the mirror from the blonde and her reflection fogged up as a deep voice emerged from the mirror. “You each have one wish and one wish only,” said the mirror. The brunette asked to go home to her boyfriend. She disappeared in a blinding light. Then, the redhead asked to go home to take care of her cat. The redhead met the same fate as the brunette. Seeing that she was all alone, the blonde cried to the mirror, “I wish that my friends were here!”