Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
Author: admin
No Cockroaches…
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless,
was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees
started swirling around, annoying Little Johnny. He began
stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling
the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s
it! No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His
father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought,
said, “No butter for you for one month!”
Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen
floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the
cockroaches were dead. Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny
and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny
said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”
Same Service
Why does the Bar prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Blondies
one day two blondes were walking in the forest when they came upon a set of tracks one of the blondes said that it was fox tracks and the other one said it was deer tracks they were still fighting when the train hit them!!!!!!!!!
An Idiotic List
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of
Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees”: “Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes.”
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call
from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
“I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?”
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the
actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.”
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT’S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling a lie. Believing
the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
Barber shop visit
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, “no thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you?”
Bush replied, “Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Everything’s A Dollar
A man walks into the Dollar Tree store and starts looking
around. He picks up a cup and walks up to the sales clerk and
asks how much it is. “That cup, sir, is $1. This is the dollar
store.”
The man walks back to look some more. A few minutes later he
goes up to the clerk, “How much is this towel?” The clerk, a
little annoyed, says “It’s a dollar!!”
A few minutes later, the man goes up to the clerk once more and
asks how much is a bottle of shampoo. The clerks raises his
voice, “EVERYTHING IS A DOLLAAAARRRRR!!!”
The man comes back the next day with a whole bunch of his
friends and the same clerk was there. The clerk was a little
scared. He thought that was his gang and they were going beat
him up for yelling at the man. But they all grabbed carts and
filled them up with EVERYTHING in the store. The man leaves the
store with his friends and all the stuff in the store and says,
“Everything’s a dollar, man, whatta great deal!” and leaves a
dollar on the counter.
Adages
* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is
delirious.
* A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he has just cleaned the whole house.
* If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
* A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
* Help keep the kitchen clean…. Eat out.
* Housework done properly can kill you.
* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone
on to lead normal lives.
* My next house will have no kitchen ….. just vending machines.
Bommerrang
What do you call a bommerrang that dose not
come back?
A stick!!!!
Will the real dummy stand up!
I give all of these people a DUH! – DOH! – & Woo-hoo!
HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
(Let that be a lesson to him!)
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
(No one ever said you had to be “smart” to be a cop.)
NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL…NOT!
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
(Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)
WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY…READ THIS
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year, “said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”
(…hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)
NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
(Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)
I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
(After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)
FOOT IN MOUTH…UP TO THE KNEE!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
(Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn’t pick him!)
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)
The Top 17 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
17> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called “Santa Kurtz.”
16> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
15> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
14> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole “Tundra Oysters” ready for the toddlers.
13> After every child’s request, asks, “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice big bag of clams?”
12> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
11> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re going down, punk!”
10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8> “Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!”
7> Insists on blowing his nose in children’s hair.
6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5> That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair.
4> Answers every child’s toy request with “Dream on, pee wee!”
3> Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.
2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1> While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]Estaban dos borrachos en una
Estaban dos borrachos en una esquina discutiendo:
“Compadre, �sa es la luna”.
“No, �se es el sol”.
“�Qu� no, �sa es la luna!”
“�Pero t� est�s loco, no ves que �se es el sol! Es m�s, vamos a preguntarle a aquel tipo que viene para que veas que es el sol.
“�Psss, se�or! �Qu� opina, usted, �se es el sol o es la luna?”
El tipo mira hacia arriba y dice:
“Bueno, eso est� dif�cil porque yo no vivo por aqu�”.