IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHYAfter interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?”. Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
Author: admin
The Wonder Bra
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marcia!Marcia who?Marcia glad
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marcia!Marcia who?Marcia glad I stopped by!
yo mamma is so nasty they use her bath water…
yo mamma is so nasty they use her bath water as a biological wepon
Bill’s new intern
This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week between President Clinton and Kimberly, a brand new intern in the White House. Kimberly walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President.After a short tour of the White House the President asked ‘How would you like to see the Presidential Clock?’ Kimberly looked troubled and said ‘I don’t know Mr. President. I have heard some pretty bad things about you. I don’t think that would be a good idea.”Nonsense’ said the President. ‘It’s just a clock.’ Kimberly agreed and the President lead her into the Oval Office where they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out.Kimberly gasped. ‘Oh that’s not the Presidential Clock, that’s the Presidential Cock!’ To which the President responded: ‘Kimberly honey, you put a face and two hands on it and its a clock!’
Japanese
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him”.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Public Exhibition
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand.Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.The policeman asked, “Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you’ve got. Don’t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?””Look, sonny,…. What these people are looking at is 85 years old…But this friggin hat is BRAND NEW!”
Homework
TEACHER: Did you do your homework?
PUPIL: No, teacher.
TEACHER: Do you have an excuse?
PUPIL: Yes, it’s all my mother’s fault.
TEACHER: She kept you from doing it?
PUPIL: No, she didn’t nag me enough!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis, Tantilzaling and yisman
Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different!
“The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by yisman
Two hunting bats
Two bats were out one night looking for blood, but after a few hours of unsuccessful huntingthey decided to go home.In the wee hours of the morning, one of the bats was so hungry he had to go out hunting again.An hour later he came back all covered in blood.
‘Where did you get that blood ?’said the other bat, full of enevy.
‘Come and I’ll show you.’So out they went into the night.
‘See that tree over there?’said the bat covered in blood.
‘Yeah.’
‘Well I didn’t!’
WORKPLACE COMEBACK LINES
Obviously you’re unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and simplistic world-view.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I’ll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you’ll go away.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.
You’re just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
Gabriel’s trumpet
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.”
“BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I have been blowing it.”