A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. �My God!� the trooper gasped.
�Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK
ma�am?� �Yes, officer, I�m just fine� the blonde chirped.� Well, how in the
world did this happen?� the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
�Officer, it was the strangest thing!� the blonde began. �I was driving along
this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and
there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I
Swerved to the left and there was ….�
�Uh, ma�am,� the officer said, cutting her off, �There isn�t a tree on this
road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.�
Author: admin
O.J.’s website
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash, slash, backslash, escape.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Un grupo de monjitas va
Un grupo de monjitas va pasando por delante de San Pedro para entrar al cielo. Entonces �ste le pregunta a la primera, “Hermana Vernica, �Ha tocado usted un miembro masculino alguna vez?”.
Ella le contesta que s�, pero que s�lo lo toc� con un dedito.
“Pues hermana, l�vese el dedo aqu� en el agua bendita, y luego entra”.
A la segunda monja le hace la misma pregunta, y ella le responde que s� pero s�lo con la mano.
“Entonces… Hermana Yaritza, lava la mano en el agua bendita, y entra.”
De pronto llega corriendo y empujando la hermana Yotsab� y se coloca al frente de la fila.
“�Por qu� tanto apuro, hija m�a?”, le pregunta San Pedro.
Y la hermana responde: “Porque si tengo que hacer g�rgaras con esa agua bendita, quiero hacerlo antes de que la hermana Sonia se lave el culo”.
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Rules To Be A Man
Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing…
1. Don’t call, ever.
2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. lie.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here’s a good pickup line, “My girlfriend’s pregnant, will you go out with me?”
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help – don’t ask.
14. Women like it when you ignore them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don’t like a girl, but can’t think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, “I don’t know. I just don’t like her personality.”
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, “Wha…?”
23. Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they’ll really want to know.
28. Don’t have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. Lie.
33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.
34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Never listen.
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.
42. Lie.
43. “Love” is not in your vocabulary. don’t even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you’re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it’s really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don’t.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it’s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend’s b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Blame everything on PMS.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.
56. Automatically assume that she doesn’t know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you’re just there to stand around and look cool, right?
59. You are male, therefore you want quality.
60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
61. Lie.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you’ve done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with “why,” the answer is “I don’t know.”
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you’re staying with her.
67. Lie.
68. Other peoples’ pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
69. Lie.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor… make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you’ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.
73. Lie. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE’s the one who wanted to end the relationship.
75. Lie.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions “love” or “commitment.”
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren’t there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you’ve known her, when you’re with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it’s real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn’t kiss as well as your ex.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn’t possibly call any of your female friends, even if it’s local.
85. Be early for everything or don’t show up at all.
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
”Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, ”I see millions of stars.”
��what does that tell you?”
Watson ponders for a minute. ”Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ”Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent.”
Telephone Pole
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up: a crew of five Italian men
and a crew of five blonde women. The company cannot decide who to give the
job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, “Each crew will
receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever
is able to hammer it in first will get the job.”
Both groups agree this is fair, so off they go in the company trucks with
the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and
finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. “YAY!!” They shout, “We came
back first, we get the job!!” “Good work, men,” says the boss. “However,
we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason
they’re delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.”
“Fine, no problem,” say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three
hours. Finally, at 12:00 midnight, the blonde crew arrives. All of them
are flushed and breathing hard. “What happened to you? What took so long?”
Asks the boss incredulously.
“What do you mean, ‘what took so long’?? Do we get the job?” “YOU get the
job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!” “Well, of course they
were,” say the blondes. “They only put the pole in halfway!!”
Will young/oven
question- what does will young have in common with an oven?
Answer-they both get turned on by knobs.
Rubber
One-day bush went to chemist shop and ask for a rubber…
shopkeeper. Its only 2 cents
bush.ok, give me 1…and bush opens the jar and took one chwinggum into his
mouth…the shop keeper said hay bush can u return me the rubber after using
it…
bush.why?
Shopkeeper. I will make chewing gums with that.
How bartenders do it…
Bartenders do it on the rocks.
Bartenders do it as you wish.
Bartenders do it for tips.
Heavenly Reward
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them
there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But
before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure
you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the
beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You
have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”
St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”
The guy replied, “24 years.”
St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to whom he replied, “I was
married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first
year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to
drive.”
The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for
63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to
drive.”
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy
with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what the
matter was. When they asked him what was wrong he wearily said, “I just saw my
wife and she was on a skateboard!”
HIV virus
Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey ..
… who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents
live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and
mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are
currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
WellingtonBronx and is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the
working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our
team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get
them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fianc�e and look
forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally
honest with her.
Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation.