Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Author: admin
It takes just a little
It takes just a little living to make a house a heap.
Blond and a computer!
How can u tell if a blond’s been on your computer? There’s Tipex
on the screen! How can u tell if she’s come back after? There’s
writing over the tipex.
La mam� de Pepito est�
La mam� de Pepito est� tejiendo un su�ter. Al notar que no tiene suficiente material le habla a Pepito:
“Pepito, ve a la tienda y tr�eme m�s estambre”.
Llega Pepito a la tienda y le pregunta al due�o:
“Se�or, �tiene bolas de estambre?”
“��Qu� me parezco a Winnie Pooh?!”, responde mosqueado el tipo.
Hilarious Telemarketer "Exterminator"
The first ones are in a script style format.
1.
Telemarketer: Hello I’m calling from X Co.
You : OH! Omni! Omni!
Telemarketer: I’m [Bill] not Omni.
You : No [Bill]! Omni Omni!
(rinse lather repeat if necessary)
2.
Telemarketer: Hello! This is [Jill] from X Co. Is [Tom] available?
You : Oh! Sorry. [Tom] doesn’t go on dates.
Telemarketer: No No! I just want to talk to him!
You : (He’s or she’s) married already.
Telemarketer: I’m married too! I just want to talk to him
about…
You : (coming in abruptly) You want to have an affair!
You nasty little brute!
(hang up)
3.
Telemarketer: Hello I’m calling from X Co. Would you be
interested in…
You : (coming in abruptly with a deep voice) This is
God!!! I have no money! Leave me!
(hang up)
The following you have to make up as you go.
1. Pretend you have lost your hearing aid. Yell for somebody to
help find it fr youand keep telling the telemarketer to speak
up.
2. Pretend you have no teeth. Talk like an old person.
3. Pick up the phone and play a recorded version of, “If you’d
like to make a call. Please hang up and try again. If you
need help hang up and call your operator.”
4. Pick up phone and leave it off the hook while you work.
5. Think of a celebrity that matches your telemarketer and ask
for their autograph. Example: “Oh! Britney Spears! I have all
your CD’s. Give me your autograph! PLEASE!!!!”
6. Pretend to be another telemarketer selling a different
product.
7. Pretend your child is asleep.
8. Pretend to be a kid and say your Dad is in the restroom and
your mom went shopping.
9. Play children songs until they hang up.
10. Turn on the radio near the phone and play static.
11. Pretend to be a drunkard.
12. Stuff a lot of food in your mouth before answeing the phone.
13. Make up smething like,”The California State Constitution
says all people have the right to privacy!”
14. Say you don’t want anything but you would like a doughnut.
15. Scream and yell,”A snake! A snake! It bit me! I’m gonna die!”
KINDERgardeners dont no any better
One day a little boy went to kindergarden for his first time.
The teacure told the whole class to make up spelling words for
homework.
So the boy went home and asked his his older brother
what his first spelling word should be. His brother said
SHUTUP!!!
So then he goes and askes his little brother, who
likes batman, what his second spelling word should be. His
brother said “DUH DUH DUH DUH BATMAN” so the boy writes this
down.
Then he goes to his 16 year old sister and says what
should my third word be. she was talking on the phone and said”
LETS GO BABY” So the boy writes this down.
Then he goes to his crazy and messed up dad and says what should
my fourth word be? The dad who is crazy says “GOODY GOODY GUM
DROPS” So the boy writes that down.
Then the boy goes to his mom and says I need
a spelling word. So the mom ,who was cooking, was about to say
cat when cried out “MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!” So the boy wrote
that down.
Then he went to his sisters room and she was
cleaning her room. So she didnt hear him ask what a good
spelling word would be. All she said was ” NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!”
So naturaly the boy wrote that down.
The next day at school the teachure asked the class who would
like to go first and the boy raised his hand. So the teachure
acked him what his first word was and he said SHUT UP then she
said hey who do you think you are?
And he said DUH DUH DUH DUH
BATMAN!!
and she got mad and said do you want to go to the
princables office and he said LETS GO BABY .
At the princeables
office the princable said you are suspended and the boy replied
GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS!!
then the princeable got mad and spanked
the boy. the boy cried out MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!!
Then the
princable said hey boy what do you think this school is made of?
And the boy replied “NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!!!!!!”
7 wise men
7 wise men with knowlege so fine built a pussy to their own desighn 1st was a buthcher with good wit with a knife he gave it a slit 2nd was a carpenter who had a big mole with a hammer and chisel he gave ot a hole 3rd was a hunter short and stout with a piece of fox fur he lined it without 4th was a designer tall and thin with a piece of red velvet he lined it 5th was a fisherman who whipped out a fish and chucked it in and gave it a smell last was a sailsman dirty little runt he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!
Actual Bumper Stickers
Actual Bumper stickers actually found on cars-
-Horn broken. Watch for finger.
-Your kid’s an honors student but hey, you’re still an idiot!
-All generalizations are false.
-Cover me, I’m changing lanes.
-I brake for no apparent reason.
-Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
-I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
-Forget about World Peace for now….. visualize using your turn
signal!
-My kid can beat up you’re honors student.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Tax. A fine for doing good. Fine. A tax for doing badly.
-Lottery. A tax for people who are bad at math.
-It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
-Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
-My kid got you’re honors student pregnant.
No screwing
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. ‘This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.’ The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, ‘Hey, no screwing!’ They look at each other and yell back, ‘We’re not screwing!’ A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the new man yells down, ‘Hey, no screwing!’ Again they yell back, ‘We’re not screwing!’ Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, the new man yells down from high above, ‘Hey, I said no screwing!’ They yell back, ‘And we said we’re not screwing!’ Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are going at it. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself, ‘Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.’
Mixtures
What do you get when you mix a whore, a scentist,a and a midget???????? A little fucker who thinks they know eveything!! Ha Ha Ha
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Dont miss these ones!”
Yo mama is so fat…
she walked in front of the tv and i missed a two hour movie
every time she turns around its her birthday
the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
i swerved around her and ran out of fuel
people run around her for marathon practise
i roll over 3 times and im still on the bitch
the last time she saw 90210 was on the scales
when she got on the scales it said ‘one at a time please’
when she tried again it said ‘no live stock please’
she gets a group discount at weight watchers
when she tried sunbaking, greenies started jumping around her yelling ‘save the whale, save the whale’
shes got more rolls than a bakery
her belt size is equator
she has her own gravity pull
when a bulldozer ran in to her she said ‘ who threw that pebble?’
YO MAMAS so stupid…
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
it takes her 3 mins to cook 2 min noodles
YO MAMAS so poor…
when she was kickin a can down the street and i asked ‘what ya doin?’ she said ‘movin house’
she hangs the toilet paper out to dry
when i was at her place i asked ‘wheres the toilet?’ she said ‘pick a corner’
when i was at her place i asked ‘whats for dinner?’ she stuck her foot on the table and said ‘corn and jam’
YO MAMAS so old…
when she reads the bible she reminices.