Yours Fun Portal !
There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.
He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said “Take one pill for a great night.” The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.
In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man’s son sitting on the porch crying.
“What’s wrong?” they said. The boy replied, “Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts and dad’s in the basement yelling ‘here kitty”
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked “Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend” So the Ranger replies “Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?”
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “Sir,
what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky
goes.”
“I’m sorry sir.”, said the ticket agent, “We don’t allow animals in the
theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He
returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next
to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his
pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge”, whispered Mildred.
“What”, said Marge.
“I think this guy next to me is a pervert.”, said Mildred.
“What makes you think that”, asked Marge.
“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge, “At our age we’ve seen them all.”
“I thought so”, said Mildred, “But this one is eating my popcorn!”
A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,”I’ve got some good news and some bad news.””What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.”The bad news is that unfortunately, you’ve only got 3 months to live.”The patient is shocked, “Oh my god! Well what’s the good news then, doctor?”The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,”You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”The patient says, “Yes.”The doctor smiles and replies, “I’m banging her!”
John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.” –David Letterman
“John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.” –Jay Leno
“Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?” –Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, “Late Show With David Letterman”
“Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he’s a flip-flopper. Kerry said, ‘I have one position on Iraq: I’m forgainst it.” –Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for.” —David Letterman
“The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in Fortune or Money magazine?” –Jay Leno
“Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry ‘lacks deeply held convictions.’ Today Kerry shot back, he said, ‘That’s not completely true.'” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.” —David Letterman
“There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, ‘I do.'” —Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he’s ahead in the polls. How’s that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he’s up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding.” —Jay Leno
“‘Shrek 2’ made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.” —Conan O’Brien
“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.” —Jay Leno
“This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, ‘I’m John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'” —Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ‘charisma black hole.'” —Jay Leno
“Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, ‘How am I gonna beat this guy?” —David Letterman
“Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he’s the dad from ‘The Munsters.”‘ —Jay Leno
“John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.” —Jay Leno
“They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that’s nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: ‘I do.'” —Jay Leno
“Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.” —Jay Leno
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: “What are you doing naked?”The daughter responds: “This is the dress of love.”When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.When her husband arrives, he asks her: “What are you doing naked, woman?”She responds: “This is the dress of love.”And he says to her: “Well, go iron it first.”
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Rena!
Rena who?
Rena this bell doesn’t do any good!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Rene!
Rene who?
Rene the marathon!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Rhoda!
Rhoda who?
Row, Row, Rhoda boat…!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ringo!
Ringo who?
Ringo round the roses!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Rita!
Rita who?
Rita novel!
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
1. If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.
2. Woman don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you’re sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is
married
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent — but they make great pets.
15. Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”..
17. Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.
YO MAMA IS SO THUMB THAT SHE
STOLD FREE BREAD FROM THE
7 11.
Cierta noche en el cuartel, el general sali� de su residencia a fumar un cigarrillo. A lo lejos vio un grupo de soldados sentados y ri�ndose a carcajadas; sin pensarlo dos veces, se acerc� a ellos. Todos, incluyendo un sargento, se cuadraron militarmente, con turbaci�n, ante el general.
El sargento, con fama de chupatintas, se excus� y le dijo que estaban contando chistes, pero que eso no volver�a a pasar. Rest�ndole importancia, el general respondi�:
“Nada de eso, sargento, a m� me encantan los chistes, as� que contin�en”.
Ninguno se atrev�a a contar un chiste. Entonces, el sargento no aguant� m�s y comenz�:
“Bueno, mi general, precisamente les estaba contando uno a los muchachos, cuando usted lleg�… �C�mo sacar�a usted una escoba de una habitaci�n completamente cerrada?”
El general se queda pensando un rato y acepta:
“No s�, sargento”.
“�Pues muy f�cil, mi general, va sacando las hebras, una a una, a trav�s de la cerradura de la puerta!”
“�Aj�, sargento! Pero �qu� hago con el palo?”
El sargento se queda todo cortado y apenas logra balbucir:
“�Perd�n, mi general, llevo 20 a�os contando este chiste y �sta es la primera vez que quien se tiene que meter el palo por el culo soy yo!”