There’s a couple; the guy is 87 and she’s 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He’s in the bathroom sprucing himself up.She waits and waits until she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.She giggles, “Honey, what are you doing? I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”He looks up at her and says, “I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis.”
Author: admin
ADULT Adventures In Camelot
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.’Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch, ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’ After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Lancelot.’Sir Lancelot,’ exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’But Sir Lancelot was speechless…
Clinton and the Beer Cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, �There’s one
thing I want you to know. There’s a box under my bed and I don’t want you to
look in it until I die.�
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of
her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million
dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, �Well, those are
for all the times I’ve cheated on you.�
Hillary said, �Well, that’s not bad after all these years and you being a
politician and traveling and all.�
She was about to leave, but then she said, �Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5
million dollars?�
Bill replied, �That’s for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the
cans in.�
Three chicks cooking
One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were each making something for a party.
The blonde was making some kool-aid, the burnette was making a turkey and stuffing, and the redhead was making a cake.
“Well,” the burnett says, “How in the world am I going to get all of this stuffing inside of this little turkey?”
The redhead says, “I can’t possibly get all of this batter into this little bowl.”
Then the blonde says, “Enough with your problems. How the hell am I supposed to get a whole gallon of water into this package of kool-aid?”
Things that Suck About Being a Guy
1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) Being told to put the seat down.
3) No sofas in your restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) You can’t flirt you way out of a traffic ticket.
10) “Women and children first.”
Redneck Hotel
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.””But, madam!”, replied the bellman.”Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.””Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
the wave
Why did they stop doing the ‘wave’ at BYU?Too many blondes were drowning.
How Often?
A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start
a family, but they didn’t know what they had to do to have
children. So, they decided to visit a doctor.
With a great deal of embarrassment, the young redneck explained
their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for
adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The
two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor.
The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the
ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.
Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the
examination table, removed all her clothing, and had 2 hours of
wild sex with her, all while she squeeled with delight, orgasm
after orgasm.
Finally finished, he then turned to the young hillbilly and
asked, “NOW do you understand?”
“Yes, doctor,” the hillbilly responded, “but just one question.”
Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked,
“Yes, WHAT is it now?”
How often do I have to bring her in?”
A Redneck Affair
After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was
time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture
of my daddy.” He bought the ‘picture’, but on the way home he remembered his
wife, Lezzy, didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lezzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into
the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the old gal he’s running’ after! I’ll kill
him!”
Fruit punch
Yo momma so stupid she thought that fruit punch was a gay boxer.
One day Confucious say…
Confucious say…
…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
…man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
…he who masturbate, screw only himself!
…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
The DMV
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register.”Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.”Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.””Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly.”Or are you going back there?”