Q:What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A:The harder you screw them the loser they get.
Author: admin
Blonde joke
Theres Santa Clause, the easter bunny, the Tooth Fariey, and a smart blonde in a round room with 100 dollars on the floor who gets the $100? None of them because none of them exist
Whitewater is over when the
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
twins
Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered thathe had a twin brother?He didn’t realize he was looking in a mirror.
Swimming with gators
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, ‘Are there any gators around here?’ ‘Naw,’ the man hollered back, ‘they ain’t been around for years!’ Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, ‘How’d you get rid of the gators?’ ‘We didn’t do nothin’,’ the beachcomber said. ‘Really?’ said the tourist. The beachcomber added, ‘The sharks got ’em.’
Who Do I Look Like?
Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, could you fix the front steps? They’re ready to collapse.’
He sighs and says, ‘After the game, Flo.’
Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. ‘Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It’s been flickering for weeks.’
He sighs and says, ‘Darn it, Flo, I’m a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.’
Flo counters: ‘Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won’t shut.’
Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, ‘You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?’
She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. ‘I need to cool down,’ he says. ‘I’m going out.’
Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.
He finds his wife and says, ‘Honey, how’d you fix all this stuff?’
She smiles and says, ‘After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.
Jerry nodded, appreciatively. ‘What kind of cake did you bake?’
Flo’s smile widened. ‘Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?’
Excuses for playing
DOOM EXCUSES What to tell your boss when: A) You are suspected of playing DOOM:1) “Oh, that must have been my screensaver you saw!”2) “Those files are my Database program. DOOM stands for Database Online Operational Management. Yeah, your right, ‘WAD’ is a pretty strange extension, isn’t it?”3) “Yeah, I’ve heard some strange noises around here too. Rodents in the HVAC ducts, maybe?” B) You are overheard playing DOOM:1) “Growling? Oh, that was probably my stomach you heard; I worked straight through lunch today.”2) “Chainsaw? No, I don’t have a chainsaw in here. Mrs. Smith said something about pruning the plants at the reception desk this morning, though; you might ask her.”3) “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking that loud. It was my wife on the phone, we’re not getting along lately. Thorny Brown Bastard? Ha! It’s a long story, she hates it when I call her that.” C) You are caught red-handed playing DOOM:1) “You know, this is a great screensaver but the damn thing keeps locking up or something and I can’t get it to go off.”2) “It’s the latest in CAD!”3) “It’s an assertiveness training program.”4) “It’s supposed to be ‘Barney’s Jungle Adventure’ – I just picked it up for the kid, you know; but it looks pretty warped to me.”5) “I don’t know what the hell it is, it said Lotus on the disk. Maybe we got some bad interference on the Net or something.”6) “I hate to say this, but I’m pretty sure it’s the ‘KillingGlee’ VGA virus. Don’t know how I could have picked it up. Only way to get rid of it is to play it out.”
Insurance
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”
Supermarket Shopping
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.
So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food.
Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.
So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .
She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.
When the cashier did, he said, “It smells like poop!”
The old lady replied, “It is! Can I buy some toilet paper now?”
Coming to America
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.”Driver? Can I drive for a while?””Sure,” says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.”We got somebody really important here,” he says to his partner.”Who is it? Is it a senator?””No. More important.””The president?””No. More important.””An ambassador? Who?””I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.”
A man stayed in his
A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a
rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. “No thank you”,
the man said, “G-d will help me”. As the waters rose, the man retreated to
the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered
to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, “No thank you, G-d will
help me.” As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the
rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down
a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once
more, the man declined and said, “No thank you, G-d will help me.” Whereupon
a mighty voice called out to the man, “You idiot! I sent you a rowboat,
a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?”.
Pleasure
what goes in dry and comes out wet and makes two people happy?
a teabag