Author: admin

God will save me

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There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”

“No” replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.”

No, God will save me!” he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”

Being Excuted on Guillotine

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An Englishman, an American, and a Pollock are being executed by
way of the guillotine.

Before they were executed the executioner would ask them if they
had any last requests before they were beheaded. He also added
that if the machine happened to malfunction that they would be
set free and the case would be dropped.

The Englishman steps up and the executioner asks him “What is
your last request?” The Englishman, being a man who has great
pride in his country says “Hail Queen Elizabeth!” And with
that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. A
miracle happens and the blade stops about an inch from his neck
and he is set free.

Then, the American steps up and the executioner asks him the
same question. The American, having great pride in his country
says, “Remember all the lives lost in the Alamo.” And with
that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. Another
miracle happens and the blade stops an inch from his neck and he
is set free.

The Pollock steps up and says, “Do you know that you have a knot
in your rope?”

Ten times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable

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There are only ten times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

10. “What the @#$% was that?”

—-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Ghere did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”

—-Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”

—-Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”

—-Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?”

—-Pythagoras, 526 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”

—-Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?”

—-Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers…. My ass!”

—-Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”

—-Bill Clinton, 1999

1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.”

—- Saddam Hussein, March 2003

Laboratory Rabbits

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A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.’Hey,’ he called. ‘I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you guys wild rabbits?”Yes we are. We’re so glad you escaped, welcome to freedom, please come and join us,’ they cried.Our friend hopped over to them and after normal rabbit introductions, started eating the grass. It tasted so good. ‘What else do you free rabbits do?’ he asked.’Well,’ one of them said. ‘You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.’This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, ‘What else do free rabbits do?”You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.’The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. ‘Is there anything else free rabbits do?’ he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.’There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,’ he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. ‘They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.’Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.’That was fantastic,’ he panted.’So are you going to live with us then?’ one of them asked.’I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.’The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. ‘Why? We thought you liked it here.”I do,’ our friend replied. ‘But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.’

Bubba?

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A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

Bubba laughed and said,

“It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,

“Is that you, Bubba?”