A lawyer says to his client during jury deliberations, “Just
think, the longer they’re in there, the longer you’re a free
man.”
Author: admin
Inspector
A school inspector came to Vovochka’s class and sat with him in the first row.
The young female teacher writes a problem on the chalkboard:
“2×2=”, accidently drops the chalk and bends over to pick it up.
– So, kids? Vovochka?
– What an ass!!!
– Get out and return with your parents!!!
Vovochka, leaving the classroom, to the inspector:
– And you, if you don’t know, don’t hint!
Taking a Final Exam
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of
�yes/no� type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at
The question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her
purse out, removed a coin and
Started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No
for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating
it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately
Throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
“I finished the exam in half an hour. But,” she said, “I am rechecking my
answers.”
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.”Okay, Rover,” ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.”Hit it, Spot,” commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.”Your turn, Fella,” said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
Nerds of the world unite.
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
“NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy,
asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed
in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon
Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought
nerds were in season.”
“Well, sure,” said the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em.”
How many liberated women does it take to screw…
How many liberated women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to turn it in and four to form a support group.
The Hooker And The Dug Dealer
Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.
Two [ethnics] were walking along
Two [ethnics] were walking along the street and came across a building
with a sign that said ‘Taco Bell.’ One turns to the other and says, “I didn’t
know the Mexicans had their own phone company.”
Clever Doggie
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door again!There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.The butcher runs up and stops the guy.”What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”To which the guy responds, “Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
Lunes: Dieta del cucurucho:
Lunes: Dieta del cucurucho: comer poco y follar mucho.
Martes: Dieta de Guido: igual que el cucurucho pero m�s seguido.
Mi�rcoles: Dieta de Andr�s: un polvito al derecho y otro al rev�s.
Jueves: Dieta de Benito: comer bien y echarse un polvito.
Viernes: Dieta de la granada: a la ma�ana un polvo y a la noche una gran mamada.
S�bado: Dieta de mingo: meterla el s�bado y no sacarla hasta el domingo.
Domingo: D�a libre, follar sin l�mite.
NOTA: Cualquier men� se puede reemplazar por la dieta del capataz: “comenzar por delante y terminar por detr�s”.
Crash n’ Burn
One day a Black guy that was trying to steal a bank, dies in a
shootput with the cops. So when he goes up to heaven, he’s
waiting in line to tell St.Peter his name, so finally he gets up
there, and St. Peter asks him “Your name, kind sir,” and the
black guy says “Leonardo DiCaprio.” St.Peter confused says, “ok
hold on a sec.” And he goes to his office, picks up the phone
and calls God. When god picks up the phone, St.Peter says “God,
did the Titanic sink or burn?”
Tea Anyone?
Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasn’t happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and….that night he drowned in his teapee!