You are so cheap . . .
When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell, “ding dong!”
Author: admin
bill’s interns
What does Bill Clinton tell his interns befor they leave his office?
Don’t hit your head on the desk!
3 Blondes in a House
There were three blondes living together.Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, “Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?”So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, “Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?” She stood there, just thinking about it.Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, “Knock on wood I’m not as stupid as the other two!” She knocked the table and sat there puzzled: “Was that the front door or the back door?
Baby Turtle
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
Knock Knock 192
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Weirdo!
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you’re going!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Welcome!
Welcome who?
Welcome up and see me sometime!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wendy!
Wendy who?
Wendy come to take you away I won’t stop them!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wes!
Wes who?
Wes Side Story!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wheelbarrow!
Wheelbarrow who?
Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!
Snap Judgments about Men and Women
Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgments
Taken from Women’s Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
Train yourself to recognize – and decode these key “signs”:
1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. -Doesn’t engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.
3. Man can’t hail a cab. -Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin.6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won’t swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. -Wears falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won’t go “all the way”. 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she’s using birth control when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn’t.
17. Asks for “the usual”. -Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn’t finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)
25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)
26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. -Small penis.
33. Under tipc parking valet. -Small penis.
34. Under tips cabbie. -Small penis.
35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.
36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.
Knit to Fit
An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway.
A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, “Pull over!”
The lady yelled back, “No – mittens!”
Old Lady With Gas
This old lady went to a doctor’s office and told him that she has bad gas, but you can’t smell it or hear it.
So the doctor gives her two pills and tells her take them and come back tomorrow.
She came back and said that you can’t hear the gas but now you can smell it.
Then the doctor says, “Good now we can work on your hearing.”
Dumb momma
your momma is so domb she tried to put m&ms in alphabetical order
Why
why did the chicken cross the road.
cause he had a death wish.
Limerick Contest
Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky ‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a
mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as much stir as
Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr’s lap
she confided, when trapped,
“Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky.” *
(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the
ballet dancer.)
Rare Disorder
A man sees a growth coming out from the center of his forehead and consults
with a specialist who tells him he has a rare genetic disorder and what’s
happening to him is that a penis is growing out of his head. He is told that his
life is not in danger, but it’s inoperable due to its extensive root system. He
is told to wear a hat and that it could be a whole lot worse.
“How can you say that? Every morning when I comb my hair or shave, I’m going
to see a dick sticking out of my forehead. Do you know what that’s gonna do to
my ego?”
“You won’t see anything,” the doctor says. “Your balls will be in your eyes.”