A little fishy was swimming up river one day, minding his own business when all of a sudden, he hit a wall.
Damn!, he said.
Author: admin
Abstinence
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
”Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister. ”Yeah,” said the newlywed man.
”She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
”That’s okay,” said the man. ”We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
Money through Congress
One day a boy asked his mother for 100 dollars to buy a toy. She said NO. So
he wrote a letter to GOD asking for a 100 dollars. When the letter got to the
post office they figured that GOD meant the president. So they sent the letter
to the white house. The president read it and just to be nice sent the boy 10
dollars. The boy was very excited for getting the money. He wrote a thank you
letter back to GOD that read: “Thank you GOD for the money. I see that you had
to send the letter through the white house and as usual those thiefing basterds
taxed 90%”
RELATIVES-(Classic Poem)
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Admiring Glances
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”
Jellybean
Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff ?
Because he wanted to be a smarty!
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD’s and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Knock knock… Luke
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Luke
Luke who?
Look through the keyhole and you will find out!
Tickle Me Elmo
What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?Two Test Tickles
Full Speed Ahead
What’s faster than the speed of light?
An Afghani with a dinner ticket.
Making rubber gloves
A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:”Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”She said, “No.””Well,” he spoofed, “down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in — and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up — then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and go around again.”She didn’t laugh a bit.Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing.She explained, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”
Wannabe Detectives
A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and
then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first
cadet answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!” The seargent says, “Well…uh…that’s
because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, “This is
your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second cadet smiles, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?
Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a
picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can
come up with?!”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think
hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
“The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The seargent is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes
while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He
leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s
file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make
such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the cadet replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear.”