Womem’s Lament

Women’s Lament:

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have

no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with

money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat

heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,

somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and

have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy

and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose

interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

30 years…

The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.

Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before.

She stood seductively before him and asked, “Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?”

He replied, “I took one look at you and thought I’d like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry.”

“And what are you thinking now, baby?” she asked huskily.

He said, “I’m thinking I did a pretty good job of it!”

La maestra en la escuela

La maestra en la escuela de Jaimito:

“A ver, ma�ana me tra�is todos un objeto relacionado con la medicina.”

Al d�a siguiente: “�A ver, Manolito, que has tra�do?”

“Pues unas tiritas se�orita.”

“A, muy bien, �quien te las ha dado?”

“Mi mam�.”

“�Y qu� te ha dicho?”

“Que sirve para curar las heridas y los golpes.”

“Muy bien, Manolito. A ver, tu, Jaimito, �Que has tra�do?”

“Una bombona de ox�geno.”

“Ahhh, que bien, �quien te la ha dado?”

“Mi abuelito, se�orita.”

“�Y que te ha dicho?”

“Joputaaaa, que me ahogoooooo….”

Fine Dining

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.”I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.”Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.”Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.””I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.”Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says�”Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”

yo mamma…part 2 1/2

yo mamma’s so ugly the titanic sank itself!!

yo mamma’s so gay she makes the teletubbies look straight!!

yo mamma’s so fat godzilla fears for his life!!

yo mamma’s so dumb she thought 6 x 9 =’d 69!!

yo mamma’s so dumb she was kicked out of pre-school

yo mamma’s so fat after sex your father rolled over twice and
was still on the bitch!!

yo mamma’s so fat your pappa couldn’t have sex with her if he
wanted to!!

yo mamma’s so fat she makes new york city look like a grain of
sand!!

yo mamma’s so fat she comes with her own zip code!!

yo mamma’s so fat the plane was forced to stay grounded!!

yo mamma’s so ugly she makes deformed people cry!!

yo mamma’s so fat people mistake her for an eclipse!!

yo mamma’s so ugly bill clinton don’t even want her!!

yo mamma’s gayer than a 6 dollar bill with clinton’s face on it!!

yo mamma’s so fat she makes the ocean look like a kiddie pool!!

yo mamma’s so dumb she drowned an a teaspoon of water!!

yo mamma’s so old she was in jesus’ yearbook!!

yo mamma’s so fat all the planets orbit around her!!

yo mamma smells so bad her back side was condemed!!

yo mamma’s so fat she has to be weighed at the train station!!

yo mamma’s so fat the train station scale says ‘to be
continued’!!

yo mamma’s so fat the picture on her drivers licence says
continued on other side!!

yo mamma’s so damn screwed up, when she gets pissed horns bust
out her ass!!

hell yo mamma’s so fat she sits down in one spot and can be
everywhere!!

yo mamma’s so filthy she was condemed!!

the end!!

Wrong End Of The Bar

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar.

He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls “All you down there… You’re all a bunch of queer cock suckers!”

He then gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar… “You’re all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.”

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says “Where the fuck you going?”

The guy says “I’m at the wrong end of the bar.”

Pepito viv�a en un vecindario

Pepito viv�a en un vecindario y ten�a un vecino que era muy est�pido. Pepito siempre lo molestaba dici�ndole: “�Tu sabes quien es ca�uela?” Y �l le respondia: “�Y quien es Ca�uela?” Pepito respond�a, “La puta de tu abuela”.

Un d�a el vecino lleg� a su casa y le cont� a su mam� lo que pasaba entre �l y Pepito. Entonces la mam� le dijo al ni�o: “Pues cuando t� lo veas preg�ntale �quien es Josefina? y resp�ndele tu maldita madre.”

Al siguiente d�a el vecino se encontr� con Pepito y el vecino le pregunt�: “�T� sabes quien es Josefina?”

“�Ahhhhhhhh! la hermana de Ca�uela…”

Y el vecino le dice: “�Y quien es ca�uela?”

“La puta de tu abuela.”

Era un pedo mal oliente

Era un pedo mal oliente
que se sali� de repente
de las nalgas del un mortal

Era s�lo la cagada
(una cosa tan mareada)
que a todos hacia mal

Al notar el caballero
que la mezcla andaba mal
apret�ndose el trasero
exclamaba muy formal:

!Pedo, pedo de olor a cagada
que en mi vientre tan goloso fabriqu�
qui�n te mand� de mis nalgas huir!

As� exclamo el caballero en aquel penoso d�a
en que el pedo de tan fuerte que sali�
los calzones le rompi�.