Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
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The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)
15> We’re still too busy answering “fan mail” from 1999’s NRA list.
14> Oh, we have, we have. You’re just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.
12> It’s our fault — we didn’t realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.
11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.
9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.
8> After Bill’s repudiation, Ken’s interrogation, Hillary’s disdain, Linda’s betrayal, cable news’ vilification, HBO’s lack of support and the dismal failure of “Mr. Personality,” Top5 couldn’t possibly get under your skin.
7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.
6> You get automatic immunity because you’re a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.
5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.
4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.
3> Because we’re gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.
2> Alphabetically, you’re on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.
1> “Sorry, I’m away from my e-mail again today. I’m busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Most important men
A womans most important men:
Who are the most important men in women�s’ life:
The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon you’ll loose interest.
Bible Bloopers
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world…
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.” It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant.
Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child.
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. “My mother looked back while she was driving,” contributed little Johnny, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker–a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you’d have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
Did you hear…
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
Q: How many poltergeists
Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
This guy went into a doctor’s office and told…
This guy went into a doctor’s office and told the nurse, “I have a problem
with my dick.” The nurse, half horrified, said, “I am amazed that you have
the audacity to use that language here. I will not help you until you call
‘it’ something else.” A little embarrassed, the guy leaves.
A few minutes later, he comes back in and says, “I have something wrong
with my ear.” So the nurse says, “That’s better. Now what’s wrong
with your ear?”
The guy replies, “I can’t piss out of it.”
Pharmacy Bandits
Three men held up the local pharmacy. They stole the entire
supply of Viagra. Police are now looking for three hardened
criminals.
Holes
Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and Fallon goes to hell.
One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hell. Fallon has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Norris gets pissed off so he goes to God and says, “What is this shit? I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there.”
God says, “Look closer, the beer has a hole in the bottom and the blonde doesn’t.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
What is the difference between
What is the difference between a female lawer and a bulldog?
Lipstick!!!!
The Best Place to Meet Bill Cinton
Where is the best place to meet Bill Clinton and why?
The oval office because he can’t corner you.