Yours Fun Portal !
Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I’m half-way to the nut hatch.”
“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
“Superb! I can’t believe it,” Mary said. “I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!”
By the way – Mary is blonde.
One day this guy walks into a bar and asks why theres a horse in the corner. The bar tender says if you put a dollar in the bucket and make the horse laugh you get all the money in the bucket. So he goes over and makes the horse laugh. The same guy comes back the next day and asks why the horse is in the cocrner. Well the bar tender says that if you make the cry you get all the money in the bucket. So he makes the horse cry. Then he comes back to the counter and the bar tender asks how he made him laugh the first day and cry the second day? The guy says the first day I said I had a bigger dick than him and the second day I proved it.
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the half shell.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. “No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don’t say a word,” She tells him,” Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her
dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there
is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s
father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY. I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!”
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Brady’s First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?”
Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can’t find the zipper.
A2: They can�t find the pull tab.
There was once an old man and a parrot living alone together for 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, “You know, I’ve never had a woman in my life.”
So the old man, as a favor to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female.
“What are you doing?” the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, “Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
What animals are in pantyhose?
10 little piggies,
2 calfs,
an ass,
a pussy,
and,
a whole mess of hares.
1. Why does Bill Clinton take 21-year-old girls into the Oval Office? — He wants to show them the Executive Branch.2. What’s the new game that’s all the rage in the White House? — Swallow the leader.3. Would you rather get a blowjob from a 21 year old or be president? — Yeah, that’s what Bill said, too.
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.”To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”
These are doctors’ notes on patients’ charts: (Actual notes- unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband,I thought you might like
to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.(Ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until
she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.