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These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.Music EducationAgnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.An opera is a song of bigly size.In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.My favorite composer is Opus.A harp is a nude piano.A tuba is much larger than its name.Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.I can’t reach the brakes on this piano!The main trouble with a French horn is it’s too tangled up.Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.Tubas are a bit too much.Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were
captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief
comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re
going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is
that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” the chief gives him some poison, the
Frenchman says, “vive la France!” and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” the chief gives him a pistol,
he points it at his head, says, “god save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There�s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled, and
screams, “What are you doing???”

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “so much for your canoe, a******!”

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam.”You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”

Una pareja est� en el cine viendo una pel�cula porno, y el chico le pide a su novia:

“Mamita, h�game la paja”.

“Pero yo no s� c�mo es”.

�l le explica que es como batir una Pepsi-Cola. Al rato, el novio empieza a gemir y ella le pregunta:

“�Voy bien, mi amor?”

“S� mamita, pero qu�tele el dedito”.