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A woman was checking out at the grocery store with a quart of milk, a head of lettuce, and a tomato.
A drunk was in line behind her, staring at her and her purchases and said, “You must be single!”.
Amazed, the woman looks over her items trying to figure out how the guy could tell by what she bought, and said, “Yes, I am, but how could you possibly tell?”
The drunk replied, “Because you’re ugly as hell!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Your so dumb, you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks – usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.
A few months ago, (Jul 05, Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy.
As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Oral sex, oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde go for a road trip. Halfway there, their car breaks down and they have to walk the rest of the way. The brunette says,I’ll bring the food incase we get hungry. The redhead says,I’ll bring the drinks incase we get thirsty. And the blonde says,I’ll bring the car door so we can roll the window down incase we get hot.
Yo mama so fat that she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.
“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.'”
– George Burns
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, “Lord, I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.”
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to receive.”
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there’s substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1.0: Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or “barely out of beta”. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs …
1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it’s really not what the customer needs yet, but we’re working on it.
2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don’t think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.
2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won’t believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that’s been there since 1.0 and wouldn’t stop nagging until we fixed it!!
3.0: Hey, we finally think we’ve got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.
3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0: More features. It’s doubled in size now, by the way, and you’ll need to get more memory and a faster processor …
4.1: Just one or two bugs this time… Honest!
5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We’re cutting the staffing after this.
6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it’s been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
6.1: Since I’m leaving the company and I’m the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I’ve made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn’t do anything). They’re talking about obsolescence planning but they’ll try to keep selling it for as long as there’s a buck or two to be made.
A minister gave a talk to the Lion’s Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he
said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s
only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he
fell off!”
Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.
“May the first person come.” He said
“Hello, Saint Peter.” said the first person.
“State you name and tell me how you spent your life.” he said.
“Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.”
“Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.”
And off the nun went.
“Next.” said Saint Peter. “How did you spend your life.”
“I spent my life like a normal human being.” another woman said. “I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious.”
“Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now.” he said. “Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?”
“Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night.” said a beautiful Girl.
“Here is a key made of Copper.” he said.
“Is that the key to Hell?!”
“No, thst is the key, for my apartment.”
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go to the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee
break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”