Author: admin

V.I.P

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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They
arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and as they’re getting their heavenly
vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like
everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of
gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they’re going to live. The Pope gets
what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and
the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming
pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine
and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error
has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, “Has
there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he
gets what everyone else gets, and I’m just a lawyer and I’m
getting the finest of everything?”

The angel replied, “No mistake, sir. We’ve had lots of popes
here, but you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”

Finger Hurts

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Tiger Woods makes a great 220 yard drive. Unfortunately it missed the hole and
smacked David Duval. So David is in intense pain holding himself when a nurse
comes. The nurse asked David what’s wrong. David points down (if you know what I
mean) yelling, “It hurts so bad”. So the nurse asks, “Do you want me to rub it
to make it feel better?” David says sure. So there the nurse is, making him feel
so good, down there. David became relaxed. When the nurse finished, she said,
“Does that fell better?” David said, “Yes it does, but what are you going to do
about my finger?”

Dirty Ernie goes to school. His first class…

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Dirty Ernie goes to school. His first class is
English, and the teacher wants the kids to say
what they ate for breakfast and spell it.

The first girl says “toast t o a s t.”

The second boy says “eggs e g g s.”

Dirty Ernie says “fuckin nothing f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.”

The teacher stands him
in the corner till lunch.

After lunch Dirty Ernie is allowed to take his seat. The first class after
lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border
lies.

Dirty Ernie shoots up his hand and says, “He’s at home on top of my
mom. That’s why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!”

The parrot who wouldn’t talk.

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A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

“Yes,” the pet store owner said, “this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.”

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

“That’s to be expected,” said the pet shop owner. “Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.” Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot’s owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

“I see,” said the pet shop owner. “Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.” A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot’s owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot’s owner was there waiting as the store opened. “Still no luck?” asked the store owner.

“No. Nothing said yet,” answered the bird’s owner. “Well, I bet the bird’s just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.” “What? You want me to buy another bird!?!” yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

“No, no, calm down,” reassured the store owner. “All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.”

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! “What happened?” asked the store owner, “Didn’t the bird ever talk?”

“Yes, right before it died it said: What’s the matter? Don’t they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?”

Company Policy

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Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long,
an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed
with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all
try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage
and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb
the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with
a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of
the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have
been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever
again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that’s the way they’ve always done
it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.

And that’s how company policy begins….