Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
A. Come in five flavors.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Author: admin
Dallas Cowboy put-downs galore!
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
Q: What’s Jerry Jones’ biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who’s driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on “grass”.
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new “Honor System”.
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year.
8 arrests, 8 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.
Q: What’s the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.
A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her “Just get the guy’s jersey number and we’ll get back to you.”
Looks good…
There is this guy named Leon.
One day Leon decided to go for walk.
He runs into his old neighbor Joe.
“Hey Leon yous looking good” Joe says.
“I feels good” said Leon
“But Leon you smells bad” said Joe
Well Leon kept on going, he then ran into his preacher.
“Hey Leon yous looking good” said The preacher.
“I feels good” said Leon.
“But Leon you smells bad” said the preacher.
“That is what Joe said earlier, I think I will go to the doctors”.
Well Leon goes to the doctors.
“You looks good Leon” said the doc.
“I feels good” said Leon.
“But you smells bad Leon” said the doc.
“That’s why I am here” said Leon.
Ok the doc got his book, “Looks good, feels good, smells good, nope thats not it”
“Looks good, feels bad, smells good, nope thats not it either”
“Here it is looks good, feels good, smells bad”
“Well Leon, I hate to break it to you, but you are a pussy”
You know you live in
You know you live in a small town when the guy at
the local convenience store speaks English.
Indian Humor
The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.
One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.
“Well, my son,” the chief replied, “When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
“For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say – you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.”
“And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say – you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.”
“So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?”
What if the Hokey Pokey
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?
Mommy, mommy…
Mommy, Mommy! What’s an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s an orgasm?
I don’t know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gram ma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkman’s here;
Have you got the money or should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why’s everybody running?
Shut up and reload
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”
“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What’s for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won’t let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie’s ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy’s guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!
Mommy Mommy! It’s cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I’ll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I’ll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What’s a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy Mommy! I don’t like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I’ll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There’s something in daddy’s eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma’s nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won’t fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
En una iglesia de Tontilandia,
En una iglesia de Tontilandia, el sacerdote est� oficiando la misa cuando, de pronto, comienza a sentirse un terremoto. El cl�rigo, asustado, los conmina:
,”Hijos, hijos, recemos un padrenuestro”.
Todos comienzan:
“Padre nuestro…”
Pero el temblor alcanza mayor intensidad, y el sacerdote vuelve a mandar:
“Hijos, hijos, recemos un avemar�a”.
Los feligreses rezan:
“Ave Mar�a…”
Pero la intensidad del sismo arrecia, y las tablas del techo ceden y empiezan a caer. Angustiado, el p�rroco advierte:
“Hijos, hijos, las tablas”.
Asustados, los presentes comienzan:
“1 x 1= 1; 1 x 2= 2…”
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?””I’m from Ireland.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?””The East Side.””The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?””McDonagh Street.””Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?””Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”
“A Coming Home Gift”
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror!
Osama bin Laden Poem
Osama bin Laden,
You son of a bitch!
I hope you balls develop
a seven year itch.
Your pecker is twisted
in such a fine manner,
Your asshole can whistle,
“The star-spangled banner.”
The Old Fart
An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”
“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”