Yours Fun Portal !
Pepito estaba sentado muy nervioso frente a la maestra. Comenzaba a escribir y se le ca�a el l�piz de la mano; se agachaba para recogerlo; luego se sentaba en la orilla de su asiento; miraba para abajo y para el frente; cerraba los ojos y luego los abr�a como si fueran a sal�rsele.
La profesora, que lo hab�a estado observando, le ordena:
“Pepito, por favor, si�ntate derecho”.
“�Pues usted tampoco se mueva tanto, profesora!”
“�Qu� har�as si sorprendes a tu mujer con otro hombre en tu cama?”
“�Lo primero que har�a es tirar al perro por la ventana y meterle el bast�n al tipo por el culo!”
“�Pero cu�l perro y cu�l bast�n?”
“Es que el que se quiera acostar con mi mujer…�tiene que estar ciego!”
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if
he would change “The Lord’s Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to
“give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from
“give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and
again the Pope refused the man’s generous offer. Another week later, the man
offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following
day, the Pope said to all his officials, “I have some good news and some bad
news.�the good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million
dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”‘
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says,
“Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?” The man says back to the blind
man, “Look buddy, I’m blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound
professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The
man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell
that blond joke?”
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, “Nah, I
wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.”
Q: What kind of neck wear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
Where does one legged people eat at?
IHOP.
Mac Beer — At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
What did the FBI find when they searched Monica?A wad of Bills
Los Leperos organizaron un intercambio amistoso con New York. Al llegar los Americanos al Lepe quedaron alucinando de lo bonito que es esta tierra, y acordaron para el mes siguiente la visita de la delegaci�n de los leperos a New York.
Al llegar el avi�n al aeropuerto suena una banda sonora y les hab�an puesto una alfombra roja. El avi�n frena y se detiene pero nadie se baja del avi�n…
El alcalde de New York ya preocupado les manda a la banda sonora que repitan el himno pero nada, nadie se baja. Ya mosqueado decide subirse al avi�n y pregunta:
“�Qu� sucede por que no bajan?”
Y los de Lepe le contestan:
“�Hasta que no capturen al tal Well no bajamos!”
“�Pero a quien cojones se refieren!”
“�Pues eso, que hasta que no capturen a ese Well no bajamos!”
“Pero por el amor de Dios �que es eso de el tal Well?”
Y el alcade lepero contesta:
“Si lo tienen ustedes ah� afuera escrito en las pancartas: Well COME Leperos.”
COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING – (the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men’s restroom):
Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it won’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seatcovers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less-than-perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys! in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her…look, it won’t bend. She said, “so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”. Well it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn’t have been a problem!!!
Q:what did the policeman say to his stomach:
A:your under a vest
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde go for a road trip. Halfway there, their car breaks down and they have to walk the rest of the way. The brunette says,I’ll bring the food incase we get hungry. The redhead says,I’ll bring the drinks incase we get thirsty. And the blonde says,I’ll bring the car door so we can roll the window down incase we get hot.