The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.”Nobody in school likes me,” he complained.”The teachers don’t like me, the kids don’t like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don’t want to go to school.””But you have to go to school,” countered his mother.”You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal.”
Author: admin
How to Annoy Other People — or just have fun at the expense of others
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
Bad Lawyer
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?A: Senator.
Crawling Home
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”.
(at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”.
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!”
The man replied with “NO WAY!”
And the wife said “YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!
The balcony
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ”Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became impatient. ”Sir,” the usher said, ”if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ”All right buddy, what’s your name?”
”Sam,” the man moaned.
”Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.
”The balcony!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Clocks in Heaven
A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, ‘Come on in. I’ll show you >around. I really think you’ll like it here.’ Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, ‘what’s the deal with all the clocks?’ St. Peter replied, ‘they keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance,this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely,it will move any second.’ Click! The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute. ‘Sam must be closing on a deal right now,’ said St. Peter. ‘The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.’The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. ‘Whose clock is this?’ asked the man. ‘That clock belongs to the Widow Audrey. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.’ They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.When the tour was finally finished, the man said, ‘I’ve seen everyone’s clock but one! W here is President Clinton’s clock kept?’ St. Peter smiled and said, ‘Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan.
The choice of a new generation
A 20-year-old Texas man has been arrested after he stole a Coca-Cola delivery truck and filled it with stolen Pepsi. According to police, the man broke into a Corpus Christi warehouse and stole a Coke van, then drove next door to the Pepsi plant and took 47 cases from a locked Pepsi truck. Pepsi spokeswoman Julia Koch said, “Our guess is that he just liked Pepsi and figured he could sell it easier than Coke.”
All for free
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
Estaba Jes�s y los ap�stoles
Estaba Jes�s y los ap�stoles en la �ltima cena, cuando Jesus se levanta muy enojado y pregunta:
“�Quien se comi� mis Corn Flakes?”
Nadie dijo nada.
“�Quien se comi� mis Corn Flakes?” (volvi� a preguntar)
Desconcertado dice Judas: “Yo fui.”
Jes�s extiende la mano y dice:
“�El mu�equito!”
Deer Hunting
Deer hunting season is coming up… Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.1:00 am – Alarm clock rings.2:00 am – Hunting partner arrives – drags you out of bed.3:00 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.3:05 am – Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am – Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am – Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am – Set up camp – forgot the tent. 4:30 am – Head into the woods. 6:05 am – See eight deer. 6:06 am – Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am – ”Click”.6:08 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am – Head back to camp. 9:00 am – Still looking for camp.10:00 am – Realize you don’t know where camp is. Noon – Fire gun for help – eat wild berries. 12:15 pm – Ran out of bullets – eight deer come back. 12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 pm – Rescued. 12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00 pm – Arrived back in camp. 3:30 pm – leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 pm – Load gun – leave camp again. 5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you. 6:00 pm – Arrive at camp – see deer grazing in camp. 6:01 pm – Load gun. 6:02 pm – Fire gun. 6:03 pm – One dead pickup truck. 6:05 pm – Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06 pm – Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07 pm – Fall into fire. 6:10 pm – Change clothes – throw burned ones into fire. 6:15 pm – Take pickup – leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6:25 pm – Pickup boils over – hole shot in block. 6:26 pm – Start walking. 6:30 pm – Stumble and fall – drop gun in the mud. 6:35 pm – Meet bear. 6:36 pm – Take aim. 6:37 pm – Fire gun – blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38 pm – Make mess in pants. 6:39 pm – Climb tree. 9:00 pm – Bear departs – wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree. Midnight – Home at last. Next day – Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces – place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Falafel!Falafel who?Falafel off
Knock KnockWho’s there?Falafel!Falafel who?Falafel off my bike and cut my knee!
Join the AirForce
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked,”What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”