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An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
“Oh honey”, said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”
“No”, said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck…..”
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in with the “Gummit” by labelling Black slang as a language, “Ebonics,” has decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language
to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI – noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.”
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”
FAT – noun, verb.
1. a battle or combat.
2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE – pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE – Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”
SEED – verb, past tense.
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”
HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”
GUMMIT – Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”
There are more jokes like this at http://www.jokedepot.com
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who would treat her nicely, wouldn’t run away from her, and would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
“Yes, but are you good in bed?”
“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
One time a guy goes into a bar and drinks alot of drinks.Bartender goes man what happened?The guy goes I found out my brothers gay.Next day he comes aagain and drinks even more drinks bartender again asks what happened today?The man answers I found out my other brother is agy.The next day the guy comes in again and drinks even more the bartenedr goes does anyone in your family like women the guy answers yea my wife.
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, “Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn’t have a name.”
So the Indian girl asks, “What’s the difference?”, to which the clerk replies, “The generic brand is cheaper.” So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.
The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, “I have found a name for this toilet paper.”
Curious the clerk says, “Well what is it?”
The girl replies, “John Wayne, because it’s rough and it’s tough and it don’t take no crap from Indians.”
A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him —-why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.
The man replies, I’m getting my girl friend drunk!
-How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a duck.
Uno en la oficina va y le dice al jefe:
“Que si da usted su permiso, jefe.”
“�Para qu�?”
“Pues, para salir, porque mi mujer va a tener un ni�o…”
“�Pues, claro, hombre! �Faltar�a m�s! �Vaya usted enseguida!”
Al cabo de unas dos horas vuelve y, al verlo, el jefe se sorprende y le pregunta:
“�Pero hombre! �Qu� r�pido! �Ya ha nacido el ni�o?” Y el otro responde:
“No. �Qu� va! Ahora hay que esperar los nueve meses…”
Psychiatrists do it on the couch.