Yo Mama’s so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Author: admin
New Rules!
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Safa
hi may nam is safa
Wanna hear a dirty joke….? A girl roled…
Wanna hear a dirty joke….? A girl roled in mud. Wanna hear a clean joke….? A girl took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear another dirty joke….? Bubbles is the girl next door.
Things You Would Never Hear a Southerner Say
– I thought Grace land was tacky.
– No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
– Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
– Wrestling�s fake.
– “Alex, I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000.”
– Duct tape won’t fix that.
– Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
– Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
– We don’t keep firearms in this house.
– Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
– You can’t feed that to the dog.
– Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
– We’re vegetarians.
– Do you think my hair is too big?
– I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
– I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
– Unsweetened tea tastes better.
– My fianc�e, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
– I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
– Elvis who?
– Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
– Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
– Who’s Richard Petty?
– Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
– Deer heads detract from the decor.
– Spitting is such a nasty habit.
– I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
– Trim the fat off that steak.
– Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
– The tires on that truck are too big.
– I’ll have the argali and radicchio salad.
– I don’t have a favorite college team.
– Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
– Checkmate.
– She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
– Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
– Hey, here’s an episode of “He Haw” that we haven’t seen.
– I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
– Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Dude
A dork went to hang out with the popular people.
“Dude.” said the most popular.
“Dude?” answered the dork.
“Dude!” said someone else.
“Dude.” said the dork.
“Dude…” said another person.
“Dude-Dude!” said the dork. The popular people walked off
extremely offended, but the dork ran after them yelling, “DUDES!”
They all looked over their shoulders and said in unison, “Dude!”
The dork gave up and left.
He then walked up to his friend and said, “Dude.”
His friend replied, “Dude, dude.”
Then the dork said angrily, “DUDE!!!”
His friend looked hurt and murmured, “Dude…dude.”
They parted without even saying “dude.”
And to this day, they still don’t know what the other said!
(If you just understood all that, …DUDE!!)
The Top 12 Pick-Up Lines Used by News Anchors
12> How would you like to go live to the scene of the action?11> Can I buy you a dink? Wait — I’m sorry. Hey, Harry, will you please fix that damn cue card?!?10> Would you like to go back to my place to see if that really is the way it is?9> Wanna be tonight’s on-top story?8> I get off each night at 5:30, 6:30, and 11:30. Would you like to do the same?7> Baby, you’re a four-alarm fire, and I’m the man who’s gonna cover you until you’re collapsed, smoking, and wet all over.6> Forget Doppler 2000. Check out my Doppler Nine-and-a-half!5> How about giving me a little headline?4> I’m horny as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!3> I put the ‘bed’ in embed!2> Tension has been building for days. For an on-the-scene report, I take you now live, down to my pants.1> Coming up in our next segment: my manly part! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Monkey in bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.
The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piana player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer.”
The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
Rules to give to your Boss!
Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
A man walked into his back yard one morning…
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree
and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The
trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when
the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself,
you slap on the handcuffs.”
“Got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the
Chihuahua.”
Way to Go Old Man
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12 inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly gentleman replied, “There are just two things I can’t stand – the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber.”
Irish Spring
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture!