An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path… so they decided to do a small test.They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home.The father told the mother, “If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest – but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they’d be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.The father slapped his forehead, and said: “Darn, it’s even worse than I ever imagined…””What do you mean?” his wife inquired.”He’s gonna be a politician!” the father replied.
Author: admin
Yo mama
yo mama so ugly and fat she tooka sexualty test and got a 0%
bitch
The Top 15 Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung
15> A bitchy blonde laughs that your date can’t dance, then spits out her punch when you reply, “Who cares? He’s Will Hung!”
14> He looks even dorkier in his rented tux than the other guys in attendance.
13> When you tell him he’s the absolute worst kisser you’ve had in your entire life, he just laughs and keeps kissing you.
12> Answered: Your idle speculation about what Yoko Ono would sound like as a Vegas lounge act.
11> A jealous Ruben Studdard beats your date to a pulp in the parking lot.
10> After 20 minutes of awkward fumbling in the limo, he casts his eyes to the floor and says, “I have no professional training with bra clasps.”
9> The intoxicating rush of fame from “The Simple Life” has already worn off, and Paris drew the longer straw.
8> Your cousin Paula described your blind date as a world-famous pop singer with millions of fans and a great down-to-earth personality — but conveniently failed to mention his giant goofy head.
7> Your date can’t dance, can’t sing… oops, never mind. False alarm: He’s just a normal white guy.
6> As you approach the karaoke bar for that after-dinner drink, the owner hurriedly turns the sign around from “OPEN” to “CLOSED.”
5> He manages to tear your dress, trash your corsage and step on *both* your feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway.
4> Despite his embarrassing performance in the back seat of his car, his earnest demeanor landed him a $25,000 porno deal.
3> His tux, the limo, the hotel room… everything has been rented for just 15 minutes.
2> “Our next song is by request — for the fifth time tonight, not that we’re counting… ‘She Bangs!'”
1> Fox has already cleared three nights of its fall schedule to accommodate a series documenting the evening, with rights to a second one covering the after-party.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Your mamas so ugly
your mamas so ugly when she looked at her shadow it ran away.
Ticket please!
What did the stewardess say to the flasher?
I asked you for your ticket, not your stub.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Earlier revisions
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revisions.
Rectum stretcher
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed
over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s
your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!”
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Death Of Napoleon
What do you call Napoleon after a bomb has hit him?
Napoleon Blown Apart
Bush & Gore Fishing
Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other.
Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none. Gore screamed for a revote.
The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.
So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.
“Yes,” replied the spy, “he’s putting holes in the ice.”
Plenty of time
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and
into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.
when the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended
victim, who angrily tells him of the near miss.
“i’m sorry, i didn’t have time to yell ‘fore,'” says the poor golfer.
“that’s funny, replies the other guy, “because you had plenty of time to yell
‘s***!'”
Top 13 Signs You’ve Hired The Wrong Magician
13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together. 12. Insists that his magic won’t work if he puts his clothes back on. 11. “The Amazing Kevorkian” is scaring the Hell out of Grandma. 10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger. 9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the “big snake” out of his pants. 8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible. 7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister 6. During one trick, screams “Pick a freakin’ card already or I swear I’ll blow the little birthday boy’s head off!” 5. Begins by saying his first trick “relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love.” 4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into “liquid gold” — eventually. 3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo. 2. Before every trick, tells hostess: “For this one I’m going to need to borrow your bra.” 1. Her “magic words” after sawing a volunteer in half? “Ohshitohshitohshit!!”