THE DANGER OF EATING BREADA recent newspaper headline read, ”Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.” The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I’ve done a little research, and what I’ve discovered should make anyone think twice….THE FINDINGS1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.5. Bread is made from a substance called ”dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.PROPOSED RESTRICTIONSMost bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions1. No sale of bread to minors.2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Author: admin
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese…
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering it’s hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken
off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
Timbuck Two
A black man and a white man are in a bar fighting about who is the smartest.
The fight was carrying on for quite a while when the bartender walked up and said, “I am going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave, but before I do we are going to settle this fight, or else you will just go beat each other up in the parking lot.”
He said, “I am going to give you a word and you each have to make a rhyme out of it and whoever’s is the best is the smartest, the word is timbuck two.”
The white man thought and thought and finally said “I got it.”
“Walking in the hot desert sand, I came upon a car-a-van, first came one camel, then came two, destination timbuck two.”
The bartender said, “Very good.”
The black man thought and thought and said, “OK, me and Timmy went fishing, we came upon three lovelies in a tent, upon the ground still wet with dew I bucked one Tim bucked two.”
Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Calamjo
The Diagnosis!
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”
So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did.
Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu…
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”
The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”
Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone
maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest
man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were
buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
“That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: ‘That’s Strange!'”
Hard At Work….as usual
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew’s foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels…just lean on each other until they arrive.”
Entra un hombre a una
Entra un hombre a una farmacia:
“Hola, deme un forro (cond�n).”
“Cuide la boca, hombre” le contesta el vendedor.
“Bueno, entonces deme dos.”
Bush and Bin Laden
Bush was in Afghanistan on a visit, talking to Osama Bin Laden.
Osama would ask Bush questions, and when Bush gave a response
Bin Laden didn’t like, he pressed a button, and a giant boxing
glove would hit Bush in the face.
When Osama came to America, he and Bush were talking. When Osama
said something Bush didn’t like, he pressed a button, and
nothing happened. Osama kept answering questions, and Bush kept
pressing the button, but nothing happened.
When the day was over Osama said “When we get to Afghanistan,
i’ll show you how we really do things.”
Then Bush responds with a smile on his face “What Afghanistan?”
Reality is a crutch for
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Clinton one-liner
“I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated.”
Can I have This Dance?
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours
and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the
corner.
One says to the other, “jeez, i’d really like to dance with that
girl.”
The other man replies, “well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken
s***.”
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “excuse me. would you
be so kind as to dance with me?”
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “i’m sorry. right now i’m
contemplating on matrimony, and i’d rather sit than dance.”
So the man humbly returns to his friend
“so what did she say?” asks the friend.
The drunk responded, “she said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather
s*** in her pants.”
Friday 13th
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
‘There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,’ he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160… before the reality of the situation hit him.
‘What the hell am I doing?’ he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
‘It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.’
The guy thinks for a second and says.
‘Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.’
‘Have a nice weekend.’ said the officer.