Author: admin

No se tome la vida

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No se tome la vida tan seriamente.
Igualmente no va a salir vivo de ella.

Amigos se ganan y se pierden.
Enemigos se acumulan.

Dime con quien andas y te dir� si voy contigo.

Funcionarios p�blicos:
Nunca tantos hicieron tan poco en tan poco tiempo.

Cualquier idiota es capaz de pintar un cuadro, pero solamente un genio es capaz de venderlo.

M�s valen dos abejas volando, que una en la mano.

�Qu� les dijo el instructor de la escuela de kami-kazes a los alumnos?
Presten atenci�n porque s�lo voy a hacerlo una vez.

Todo es relativo:
El tiempo que dura un minuto depende del lado de la puerta del ba�o que te encuentres.

El asterisco no es nada m�s que un punto final hippie.

Hasta un imb�cil pasa por inteligente si se queda callado.

La abogac�a es una manera legal de burlar a la justicia.

Jurado: grupo de personas cuya tarea es decidir qui�n tiene el mejor abogado.

Arque�logo: alguien cuya carrera est� en ruinas.

Cultura es lo que tendr�a el carnicero, si fuese cirujano.

Robar ideas de una persona es plagio. Robar de varias es investigaci�n.

Vive cada d�a como si fuese el �ltimo.
Un d�a vas a acertar.

No tengas miedo de la prueba de SIDA.
Tambi�n tiene un lado positivo.

El lado bueno del trabajo en equipo es que si algo sale mal, siempre puedes culpar a otro.

�No te ves horrible por la ma�ana?
Entonces, lev�ntate al mediod�a.

Dead Frog on a String

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One day, a 12 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a
dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to
the madam, “I wanna woman.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, “but we don’t let boys your age have a
woman.” The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the
counter and says, “I wanna woman!” So the madam asks him what
kind of woman he wants.

“A skanky one,” he replies. “I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis,
crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place.”

Offended, the madam says, “We don’t have women like that here.”
So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a
room down the hall and says “last door on the right.”

The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string,
and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and
then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as
he’s getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks
why on earth he would want someone so nasty.

“Well, it’s like this,” he says, “I’m gonna go home about seven
o’clock tonight, and I’m gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then
when mom and dad come home about nine o’ clock, dad’s gonna take
the babysitter home, and he’s gonna screw her. Then dad’s gonna
come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they’ll
screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman
will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. Now here’s where
it all comes down you see!! I’m gonna really get him, because
the milkman is the one that killed my damn frog!!”

Who drives you?

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about It?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

A Cheap HMO …

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10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”

5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Pepito estaba sentado muy nervioso

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Pepito estaba sentado muy nervioso frente a la maestra. Comenzaba a escribir y se le ca�a el l�piz de la mano; se agachaba para recogerlo; luego se sentaba en la orilla de su asiento; miraba para abajo y para el frente; cerraba los ojos y luego los abr�a como si fueran a sal�rsele.

La profesora, que lo hab�a estado observando, le ordena:

“Pepito, por favor, si�ntate derecho”.

“�Pues usted tampoco se mueva tanto, profesora!”

Quotes From Sports Personalities – Part I

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New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I
want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say, “I’d run over my own mother to
win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over
Joe’s mom, too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football
should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on
all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss
goodbye.”

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the
team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto
the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured
reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15
hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)

You Know You’ve Had Too Much New Year’s Cheer When….

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You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

You strike a match and light your nose.

You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”

You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.

You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

You tell everyone you have to go home…and the party’s at your place.

You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

You yawn at the biggest bore in the room…and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

You’re at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

You realize you’re the only one under the coffee table.

En un d�a de verano,

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En un d�a de verano, un tipo estaba frustrado porque no pod�a tener una erecci�n, por lo que decide tomarse dos pastillas de Viagra. �stas comienzan a surtir efecto:

“Mi amor, vamos a hacer el amor”.

Empiezan, y el hombre m�s efectivo que nunca, echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco… La esposa ya no puede m�s.

El marido, con su erecci�n a mil por hora, decide buscar a la mujer de servicio de la casa:

“Mire, vamos para el cuarto que tengo algo que decirle”.

La mujer, extra�ada, se dirige al cuarto y pregunta:

“�Qu� quiere, jefe?”

“Nada, hacer el amor”.

Y se le monta a la mujer. Empieza y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer demanda:

“Yaaaaaaaaaaaa, no puedo m�s jefe”.

El hombre, con su erecci�n a mil por hora, busca entonces a la maestra de su hijo y empieza tambi�n y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer se desmaya en la cama.

El tipo, desesperado con la erecci�n que no terminaba, decide llamar a un m�dico amigo suyo:

“�Al�, doctor?”

“S�, d�game �qu� desea?”

“Doctor, sabe que comet� un error porque estaba desesperado y me tom� dos pastillas de Viagra y la erecci�n es muy fuerte y he hecho el amor unas 35 veces y no se baja, �qu� puedo hacer? �Por favor, doctor, ay�deme!”

“Bueno, mire, va a tomarse dos litros de leche de un solo trago; esto anula el efecto del Viagra, �me entendi�?

“S�, doctor, dos litros de leche y se anula el efecto. Much�simas gracias, doctor. Chao, nos vemos”.

“Chao, suerte”.

El se�or, muy respetuosamente, sigue las instrucciones y va hacia la nevera de su casa y saca el pote de dos litros de leche; se la empieza a tomar del pico de la botella y en eso, la esposa y la se�ora de servicio pasan por la cocina y, de lejos, ven al hombre tom�ndose la jarra de leche del pico de botella. La sirvienta le sugiere a su jefa:

“Se�ora, corra, corra, corra que el se�or se est� recargando”.