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What We Think

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A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
**********
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????

His story:
**********
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some action though.

Smart Farmer

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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads “WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

En la maternidad de La

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En la maternidad de La Paz han comprado una m�quina para ayudar en los partos a las mujeres. Llega una madre acompa�ada por su esposo y les dice un doctor:

“Miren, tenemos esta m�quina que va a ser una revoluci�n. Sirve para transferir parte del dolor del parto al padre, de forma que la madre no tiene que sufrir mucho. Estar�an ustedes dispuestos a probarla?”

“S�.”

“Bueno, pues el esposo se sienta aqu� y como est� en fase experimental, de momento pondremos la maquina tan solo al 10%, y ustedes me van diciendo.”

Y como el parto progresa de la forma normal, el esposo dice:

“Oiga, que no noto nada. �Por qu� no suben la maquina al 20%?”

El esposo sigue sin sufrir ning�n dolor.

“Mas, mas, p�nganla al 50%.”

La madre siente un alivio enorme, pero el padre ni se inmuta.

Oigan, que de verdad que no me pasa nada, p�nganla al 100%. Y la madre da a luz sin dolor y est�n todos content�simos. Hasta que el joven matrimonio vuelve a su casa y se encuentran al cartero muerto en la puerta.

Only in America…

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Only in America

Only in America
…… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America
…… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America
…… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.

Only in America
…… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America
…… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in America
…… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America
…… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in
the first place.

Only in America
…… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America
…… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well:
‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America
…… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

PROSTITUTE OR CONSULTANT?

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You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It’s difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
� People ask you what you do and you can’t explain it.

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you
attend).

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with
only other professionals.

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the
money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the
pain of it all.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is
foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like
hell (compare your appearance on Monday A.M. to Friday P.M.).

You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away
smiling.

The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it
actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you
could get a better deal with another pimp.

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself you’re not going to be doing this stuff
for the rest of your life.

80 Year Old Stud

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An 80 year old man walks into a church and goes straight into the confessional. There he hears a voice, “Yes my son? Tell me your sins”

“Well Father”, says the old man… I had sexual relations with a 17 year old girl.

“Hmmm”, says the Priest. “Well, given today’s lifestyles, and the fact that people are having sex at a younger age these days, I’m not too surprised.

“But Father, I’m 80 years old”, says the man.

“80 years old!!!, and she is 17 ??? My goodness, well I guess things really have changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins will be forgiven”, replies the Priest.

“I can’t do that Father, you see, I’m Jewish!”

“You’re Jewish?? Then why did you come in here to tell me this”? asked the Priest.

“Because Father, I’m telling EVERYBODY”!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps the Worst Go

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A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Domination

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.”
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here”