Insurance claims

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached an intersection and sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Real Life Tale of Gubmint Excess

STATE OF MICHIGANJOHN ENGLER, Governor Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR 350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITYRUSSELL J. HARDING, Director HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973 http://www.deq.state.mi December 17, 1997 CERTIFIEDMr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339Dear Mr. DeVries:SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm CountyIt has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files show that no permits have been issued.Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.Sincerely,David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division —-Reply Letter—-Dear Mr. Price:Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm CountyYour certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan – I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials ‘debris.’ I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.My first concern is – aren’t the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation?The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation – so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition – contact the dam beavers – but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) – be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers – be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State – I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy – or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely,Stephen L. Tvedtenxc: PETA–

The monkey and the pool ball

A man walks into a pool hall with a monkey on his shoulder. He approaches a table to play a game, and sits the monkey down on the table. The monkey reaches into one of the pockets pulls out a ball, sniffs it, and then swallows it. The man calmly pays the owner for the lost ball and leaves.

The same man returns a week later with the same monkey. This time he sits at the bar for a drink, and the monkey takes a peanut from a tray then inserts it into his ass, then removes it and eats it. The bartender notices this and asks the man about the odd behavior.

The man replies “Ever since he swallowed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it”.

A few terms to help you get started on your…

A few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar…

“Damn- that s**t is DOPE!”
~~~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

“I can’t FADE that!”
~~~~~ I am unable to hande this at this time.

“Shante ain’t HAVIN’ it!”
~~~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

“Homey-Boo was dropping PHAT beats.”
~~~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

“YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!”
~~~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

“JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN’ it!”
~~~~~ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

“What’s up? Why you ALL UP IN my s**t!?!”
~~~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

“She is HELLA’ CLOWIN’ you HOMEY!”
~~~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existant at this time.

“Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN’ STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOOOOVE!”
~~~~~ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

“STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEENER…”
~~~~~ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as i will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your fanny with my 9mm pistola.

“Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN’!?!”
~~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried?

“Friday night- COLD CHILLIN’ with a 40 and a BLUNT.”
~~~~~ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

“Five-o’s all deep up in da place”
~~~~~ There are a lot of police officers around.

25th Anniversay and the Sweet young thing

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.””Harriet, she’s a prostitute.””I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?””Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.George asked, “How much do you charge?””$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.””Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Two priests and a rabbi

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection
they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on
the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that
what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed
inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and
what god wants, god takes.”