The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
Author: admin
Protective Father
A man has a daughter of whom he is very proud. She is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows) has never had any kind of sexual intimacy with any male. Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries about her falling ill. Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend home for tea – and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him.
The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up. He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless denim jacket and dirty jeans with holes in. He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly. Father is not impressed, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation. However, the boy is not the chatty type and seems rather bored by the whole thing.
Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it’s time for a bit of “man-to-man” stuff.
“Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter,” says the father.
“Yeah, sort of,” replies the boyfriend.
“Do you have a job?”
“Nope.”
“Are you looking for one?”
“Nope.”
At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of the young man and put him off marrying his daughter.
“Er, I don’t know if you realise that my daughter has acute angina?” says the father.
“Yeah, lovely, isn’t it, and her tits aren’t too bad either.”
Tough Guy, eh?
The local bar was so sure that its bartender had the strongest hands around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a challenger.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Advice
1) Never eat at a place called Mom’s
2) Never play cards with a man named ‘Doc’
3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.
Sperm count
(Q) How do you know when a guy has a high sperm count?
(A) You have to chew before you swallow!!
Money
have sex nude in bed feeling bodies
Right Wing Wants To Reign In All Of California
Jumped aboard the gravy train since 9/11;
Right Wing thinks that war will hide what they now do:
Enron scams, Homeland “Security,”
Big tax breaks for cronies,
Bush coup… isn’t through.
Right wing wants to reign in all of… California.
They will soften words to hide their talk of war.
They want to take the house of governor
Through Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Recall… Gray’s recall.
Right wing jerks, to come out ahead,
Refuse to respect what voters said.
Davis unloved, and Issa’s bread,
Contest the state throne.
They want to take the house of governor
Through Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Recall… Gray’s recall.
(instrumental break)
Bush can tell through polls at home
His star has faded.
His coffers now still grow, but feels the ache.
He lost California soundly,
Lost California soundly.
State he must take…
State he must take…
Right wing wants to reign in all of… California.
They will soften words to hide their talk of war.
They want to take the house of governor
Through Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Recall… Gray’s recall.
(instrumental fade)
What did the blondes
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they haven’t met!
See You!
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill
effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed,
and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s
arse was that eye staring right back at him.
Monica
Monica Lewinsky is part Jewish, part Ancestral Russian, and she has a
little CUBAN in her!
The overweight blonde.
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.” He said. “The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping!”
things to do in a hotel
1) smear peanut butter all over the public restroom floor!
2)spill lemonade on the sheets, after it doesnt lQQK like
lemonade
3) Go to the fronk desk constantly asking for toilet paper
4) When a maid comes to clean your room call the front desk and
tell them that their isa phsyco at you door trying to get
in(lock the door), then give a description,ex. a middle-agd
spanish lady, with a cart, about 4’5, sayin words that seem t
be” Room Service”
5) dial random numbers saying your the police and theres a bomb
in your room, tell them to evacuate immediantly
6) clog the toilets numerious times!
7) unplug your t.v. then call room seriveand tell them your t.v.
is not working, then when they try plugging it in ask them how
to change the colors!
8) pour fish into the pool
9) pee all over the toilet seat, and the floor , and see what
the mids say!
10)go fishing in the pool( USE REAL LIVE WORMS)