Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes “rabbit” the other goes “rub it”.’
Author: admin
Saving the President
One day 3 boys were fishing on the Rappahanock River and all of the sudden Bill and Hillary Clinton were on a raft and they tipped over and the boys saved them !! then Bill said ” You must be proud because you saved the President and the 1st lady and so I will give you 1 wish each.” The 1st boy said “I wanna fly on Air Force One ” and the 2 nd boy said ” I wanna sleep in The White House” And the 3rd boy said “I wanna grave in the Arlington Cemetery” Bill said why do you want that? and the boy said when I tell my dad who I saved he will kill me !!!!!!!
Yore momma is so dum
yore momma is so dum she wint to the 50 sents conserd and she brog a bag a pennys wit her
Of two possible events, only
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Obsessions meeting
4 women enter an obsession class with their children to learn about and deal with their odsession.
the consuleor says to the first mom:
“your obsessed with money, you named your daughter penny.”
then the mom takes her kid and leaves
the consuleor says to the second mom:
“your obsessed with food you named your daughter candy.”
then the mom takes her kid and leaves
the consuleor says to the third mom:
” your obsessed with alcohol. you named your kid brandy”
then the mom takes her kid and leaves.
then the fourth mom whispers to her kid this is ridiculous, come on Dick were leaving.
Father and Son discussion.
Somewhere in America, next week…
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What’s up, Dad?
Dad: There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car
against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping
sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the
mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my
original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch
the car?”. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son: From The President of the United States.
Bad golfer and a bad skydiver
what’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
bad golfer: whack! “s***!”
bad skydiver: “s***!!” whack!!
Un gato naco y pobre
Un gato naco y pobre y una gata fresa y presumida se encuentran:
“Minina, minina �jugamos con el hilo?”
“�Ay, qu� corriente eres! No se dice hilo: se dice estambre. Y no, no quiero”.
Triste, el felino se aleja, pero m�s tarde regresa:
“Gatita, gatita �jugamos en el pasto?”
“�Mmm, pero qu� ignorante eres! No se dice pasto: se dice c�sped. Y no, no quiero”.
El micho, todo desilusionado, se sienta enfrente de la gata. De pronto, pasa un rat�n en medio de los dos y dice el gato:
“Gatita, gatita, �cogemos al rat�n?”
“�Uf, pero qu� naco eres! No se dice al rat�n: se dice al rato y s�… �s� quiero!”
Story about infinity
A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number — room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.
I think
Defendant: Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.
Pickup Lines
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? [“No. “] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say “yes.”]
4. You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
6. Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
10. My name’s [your name]. That’s so you know what to scream.
11. My name’s [your name], but you can call me “lover.”
12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, “What are you doing?”:] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you’re the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? [“To where?”] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and we’ll see what pops up?
25. Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So. . . How am I doin’?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. Say, that’s a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
32. I hope you know CPR, ’cause you take my breath away.
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
What does a teenage girl
What does a teenage girl from West Virginia say during sex?
“Carefull dad, you’re crushing my cigarettes!”