– You think John the Baptist started the SBC.
– You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.
– You think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem.
– You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the
preacher.
– Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
– You ever wondered when Lot tie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
– You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
– You think worship music has to be loud.
– You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
– You judge the quality of a service by its length.
– You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and
interpret that feeling as a call to preach.
– You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
– You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
– You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
– You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a
Charismatic.
– You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he
works too long.
– You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
– You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old
enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only
promotion after that is the cemetery.
– You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that
the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general
ruckus.
– You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered
“666.”
– You happen to know that Lot tie Moon is not a member of the
Unification Church.
– You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing
paid for.
Author: admin
Explaination
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
You might be a college student if . . .
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
GOLFERS
two businessmen are standing on the tee at an exclusive golf
club.
suddenly the first guy starts holding his ear and listening
intently…noticing the look of confusion on his partners face,
he explains that he has had his mobile phone receiver implanted
into his ear so that he can pick up urgent messages from the
office at any time day or night.
at the second hole he starts to talk loudly to nobody in
particular…once again he explains that using the latest
state-of-the-art technology he has had one of his teeth
microchipped allowing him to speak to clients without the
inconvenience of holding a phone to his ear.
suddenly on the third hole he screws up his face,clutches his
stomach, darts behind a bush , drops his trousers, and squats.
his partner cannot believe what he is seeing, and shouts “What
the hell are you doing?”
to which he replies
” be with you in a minute….urgent fax!!!”
Say no, then negotiate.
Say no, then negotiate.
Yo mama and the Taxi
Yo mama so fat that when she wore yellow clothes, a pedestrian yelled “Yo, taxi!”
Top Ten Things Overherd at the CDA Hearings
CDA Common Decency Act.
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CDA HEARINGS From the judges’ chambers to the stairwells in the Supreme Court itself, we have the top ten things heard at the CDA appeal hearings:
10. I can’t define it, but I know it when I download it.
9. Does this mean the Paula Jones Web site will be taken down?
8. I don’t know about you, but I’m moving my site to Moldovia.
7. Well, at least the children can still buy guns.
6. So will Courtney Love play Donna Rice Hughes in “The Net vs. Larry Flynt?”
5. Don’t you just love the ACLU–defenders of truth, freedom, and www.perverts.com?
4. Oh man, I’d give anything to see Clarence Thomas’s bookmark list.
3. But sir, I have no pornograph!
2. Does anybody really think the CDA can outsmart a horny 14-year-old?
1. Somebody tell Senator Exon he can stop with the research already
Pesticide Condoms
This guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the clerk at the desk if he has
any condoms with pesticides on them. The guy looks at him and says, “don’t
you mean spermicide?” The guy says,”no I mean pesticide.” The pharmicist
says, “you want a condom with pesticide on it?” The guy responds, “because
my wife has a bug up her ass and I wanna get that sucker.”
Too critical to answer
Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?
Attorney: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Blond/Brunette Joke
*Q*How come blondes are soooo dumb?
*A*Because they didn’t want the brunetts to look too stupid!
marishan
What did the Martians ask for when they came to earth?
A marshmallow
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?A: If his lips are moving, then he’s lying.