Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the squirrel it CAN be done!
Author: admin
KFC: Our Daily Chicken
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if
he would change “The Lord’s Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to
“give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from
“give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and
again the Pope refused the man’s generous offer. Another week later, the man
offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following
day, the Pope said to all his officials, “I have some good news and some bad
news.�the good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million
dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”‘
President’s Speech in Ebonics
The following statement has been translated into Ebonics. Good evening. (Yo Yo
Yo, s’up?). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the
Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Today at my crib these
suckers and playa-haters started grillin’ a brotha). I answered their questions
truthfully, including question about my private life, questions no American
citizen would ever want to answer. (Dey started frontin’ about my game and
asking all kinds of fowl sh-t). Still, I must take complete responsibility for
all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you
tonight. (I’m tired of these haters throwing salt in my game. I’m going to let
yall know my Mackin style tonight). As you know, in a deposition in January, I
was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers
were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (Awhile back, you nosey
motherfu-ers wanted to know if I was hittin’ hoe-ass Monica’s skins. You ain’t
got any video, so if you want to believe a $10 hoe then oh well).
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Levwinsky that was not appropriate.
In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a
personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
(Yeah, I was hittin’ that dime dropping Bit-h! She was only sucking my jammie
though. I was stupid for messing with a young big mouthed skank. My bad, but
don’t hate me because I’m a playa). But I told the grand jury today and I say to
you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence.
(Outside of that hit I told punk-ass AG (Al Gore) to put on gay-ass Star, Monica
and her snitching friend, I was chill the whole time).
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to
protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Check dis, I heard she
was down with what ever, you know a freak ass beiach. She wasn’t all that but I
planned to pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate). The independent counsel
investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And
now the investigation itself is under investigation. (Those haters started
sweatin’ my homeys and my peeps. Dey pissed a nugga off when they tried to make
me look like I’m not real or somefin. Matter of fact dey shady asses is on the
take anyway).
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
(Tryin’ to hit me they wasted a lot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew). Nothing
is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim
my family life for my family. It’s nobody’s business but ours. (I’m a pimp and
playa and I’m going to be one, dey can�t change a nugga! Get some businesses.
Hillary is chill because I got more than enough White Water dirt on her ass that
will get her sent up before I’m outtied).
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into
private life and get on with our national life. (Get off my jock because I’m
going to flex regardless. Just in case yall forgot until you chumps ax me I’m
still the sh-t!) Now it is time – in fact, it is past time – to move on. (F-k
all yall, I don’t give an f-k! Peace out!!!)
The recognition
One evening, three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite
sport would be. The first decides on football, because of all those gorgeous
guys bending over in their tight pants.
“Definitely wrestling,” sighs the second gay guy. “Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds!”
“Definitely baseball,” says the third gay guy.
“Why?” asked the other two guys.
Well, I’d be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive
right to me. I’d catch it, and I’d just stand there while the other guys rounded
the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, ‘Throw the
ball, you c**k-sucker!’ And, that’s what I like – The recognition.”
grass houses
There was once a village that was all grass houses. The only
thing of value they had was a butiful gold throne. They new the
tax collecter was coming so they had to hide it otherwise they
would have to sell it to pay for the taxes. So they hid it in
the rafters of the mayors house (his being the bigest) The tax
collecter came and saw they had nothing so he let them pass on
payin taxes. They were all relived but then the throne fell out
of hte rafters and landed on the mayor, killing him.
The moral of this story is; people in grass houses should’nt
stowe thrones
Cheerleaders
Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!
Who drives you?
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about It?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
A really bad car joke
There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car.They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down. The first bee said , ” dont worry ill give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank”,it worked , for a couple of miles that is until they broke down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again, so the third bee did exactly the same.Then finally the car broke down. The squirrel said ” I’ll pee in the tank” The man replied, sorry mate, this car only runs on BP.–Editor’s note: Sound it out if you don’t get it. If you still don’t get it, I wouldn’t bother trying…
No se tome la vida
No se tome la vida tan seriamente.
Igualmente no va a salir vivo de ella.
Amigos se ganan y se pierden.
Enemigos se acumulan.
Dime con quien andas y te dir� si voy contigo.
Funcionarios p�blicos:
Nunca tantos hicieron tan poco en tan poco tiempo.
Cualquier idiota es capaz de pintar un cuadro, pero solamente un genio es capaz de venderlo.
M�s valen dos abejas volando, que una en la mano.
�Qu� les dijo el instructor de la escuela de kami-kazes a los alumnos?
Presten atenci�n porque s�lo voy a hacerlo una vez.
Todo es relativo:
El tiempo que dura un minuto depende del lado de la puerta del ba�o que te encuentres.
El asterisco no es nada m�s que un punto final hippie.
Hasta un imb�cil pasa por inteligente si se queda callado.
La abogac�a es una manera legal de burlar a la justicia.
Jurado: grupo de personas cuya tarea es decidir qui�n tiene el mejor abogado.
Arque�logo: alguien cuya carrera est� en ruinas.
Cultura es lo que tendr�a el carnicero, si fuese cirujano.
Robar ideas de una persona es plagio. Robar de varias es investigaci�n.
Vive cada d�a como si fuese el �ltimo.
Un d�a vas a acertar.
No tengas miedo de la prueba de SIDA.
Tambi�n tiene un lado positivo.
El lado bueno del trabajo en equipo es que si algo sale mal, siempre puedes culpar a otro.
�No te ves horrible por la ma�ana?
Entonces, lev�ntate al mediod�a.
Una CERVEZA est� siempre mojada.
Una CERVEZA est� siempre mojada. La MUJER no… �punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA es horrible si est� caliente… �punto para la MUJER!
Una CERVEZA helada te satisface… �punto para la CERVEZA!
Si regresas a casa oliendo a CERVEZA, tu mujer puede enojarse. Si llegas a casa oliendo a MUJERES, tu mujer seguro que se enoja y hasta puede dejarte… �Empate!… ya que depende del punto de vista.
Diez CERVEZAS en una noche y despu�s no puedes manejar a casa. Diez MUJERES en una noche y no hace falta manejar a ning�n lado… �punto para la MUJER!.
Si un polic�a te siente olor a CERVEZA te puede arrestar, si el polic�a te siente olor a MUJERES te invita una cerveza… �punto para la MUJER!
La CERVEZA cuanto m�s vieja, es mejor… �punto para la CERVEZA!
Muchas CERVEZAS pueden hacerte ver ovnis, muchas MUJERES pueden hacerte ver a Dios… �punto para la MUJER!
Si te preguntas como ser� la pr�xima MUJER eres normal. Si te preguntas como ser� la pr�xima CERVEZA eres un alcoh�lico… �punto para la MUJER!
Arrancarle la etiqueta a una CERVEZA es divertido. Arrancarle los calzones a una MUJER es mucho MUCHO m�s divertido… �punto para la MUJER!
Por una CERVEZA pagas impuestos… �punto para la MUJER!.
Si te tomas otra CERVEZA, la primera no se enoja… �punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes estar siempre seguro de que eres el primero en “destapar” una CERVEZA … �punto para la CERVEZA!
Si agitas una CERVEZA, despu�s de un rato se calma sola… �punto para la CERVEZA!
Clara, oscura, en cualquier momento puedes escoger la CERVEZA que quieras… �punto para la CERVEZA!
Una CERVEZA sabes exactamente cuanto te va a costar… �punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA no tiene mam�… �punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes hacerlo si quieres, pero la CERVEZA no te pedir� que la abraces durante media hora despu�s de haberla tomado… �punto para la CERVEZA!
PUNTUACI�N FINAL: La CERVEZA le gana a la MUJER (10 a 7)
Si eres una MUJER y en este momento te est�s enojando, piensa que la CERVEZA no se enojar�a por esta batalla… �Otro punto para la CERVEZA!
MARCADOR FINAL 11 A 7
Neck wear
Q: What kind of neck wear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
Searching Monica
What did the FBI find when they searched Monica?A wad of Bills