Absorbine Jr.

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist “Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent.”

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an “X” and says “Here, if you eat this you’ll go NUTS for 12 hours!”

The guy says “gimmee 3 boxes”.

Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s dick is black blue, the skin’s hanging off in places. The man says “gimmee a bottle of Absorbine Jr.”

To which the pharmacist replies “ABSORBINE JR.? You’re not going to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?”

The guy says, “No it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up”.

Hell of a game

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks,”What took you so long?”

He replies,”Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John
had a heart attack and died on the spot!”

She replies,”Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!”

The husband replies, “It was hell! Fifteen holes of hit the ball, drag John,
hit the ball, drag John…”

Things to piss of your teacher

If youre bored in class and want to wreak havoc, try one of the
following:

1. If the teacher is the same sex, wink at them often when they
make eye contact. If this does not seem to disturb them, stop
immediately.

2. Masturbate.

3. If the teacher is bald(ing) have them come over to help you
with your assignment. Then fix your hair while staring at their
scalp.

4. Say you have to go to the bathroom because you…. (choose
one)
a. need a smoke
b. are going to take the girl that sits in front of you along
c. are meeting his wife/her husband there

5. If they have a daughter/son attending the school, raise your
hand and tell them that you ran out of condoms and they need to
remind their son/daughter to pick some up.

6. When they walk past, grab their buttocks and pretend you were
just working… dont worry theyll be too shocked to ask. (maybe)

7. Tell them their fly is open and then run up to the front of
class while theyre bent over to check and kick them in the
face…. or just laugh.

8. Raise your hand and announce that you finally destroyed all
of the dancing pixies and they wont bother you in class
anymore…then fake a seizure.

9. Pretend your invisible… (have some fun with that one)

10. Start your desk on fire.

11. Fart and blame it on the teacher.

12. Hit yourself in the face repeatedly and blame it on the
teacher.

13. Go to the office and say the Sex Ed. teacher is talking
dirty.

14. In history, yell that you were the man on the grassy knoll.

15. Start yourself on fire.

16. Smile the whole time while your teacher is lecturing.
Always make eye contact.

17. Lick your seat and tell everybody your guess of who was in
it last.

18. Raise your hand once and say you like their shirt. Then
five minutes later say you like their shirt. Then keep saying
it every 30 seconds for five minutes. Then every five seconds
until they hit you. Sue. 🙂

Oh, by the way, dont really do most of this unless you like
severe penalties, in that case add some of your own!!! 🙂

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

Not My Time!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?”

God Replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,
there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I
can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer
full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a
dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan
is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head.
“Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night
chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow
the pill!”

3 men and the genie

3 men were in the woods. They took a wrong turn and they came to a cliff. Then suddenly a genie appeared. She said “you guys finally found my home! you can now have one wish each. all you have to do is say what u want and jump off the cliff. you will land in what you want.” The first guy said ” i wish for money” he jumped and landed in money. The second guy said” i wish for gold” he jumped and landed in gold. The last guy went to the edge and saw the men. He was about to make a wish when he tripped over a rock he said “shit!!”. Then he landed in in shit.