What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Author: admin
SEINSeinfeldisms
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Is it possible to be totally partial? What’s another word for thesaurus? If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Why is bra singular and panties plural? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? –Submitted by Angela Tuttle
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and…
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean………….)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I’m waiting for a rich Sugardaddy.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I’ve got a vibrator.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (One look at you and I’m ready to swear off men altogether.)
…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly
grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort
her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied:
“He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her
grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely
be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,”
replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding
and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck
hadn’t come along,”
Airlines running operating systems
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Computer Science
College Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab,playing XTrek and drinking
Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the ‘net if you can
manage it.Become passionately involved only in the continuing
IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate.
Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight
Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee…at least five cups an hour. Interact
only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately
involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which
wasn’t your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from
the beginning.
Q: How many Yale
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None–New Haven looks better in the dark!Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you’ll know it really does.
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?””Moses,” replied the bird.”Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that Would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus.”
Improving
Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.
After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. “I just don’t know what to do with you!” he said, shaking his head.
We’ve talked about this over and over. We’ve spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.”
“I know, I know…” acknowledged the wife contritely. “But at least I’m cutting back!”
Bug’s Mind
What is the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your
windshield?
It’s ass.
Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations…
- Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations
- Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery
always falls short.
Girl Talk With Chelsea & Hillary
Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff.
Hillary says to Chelsea, “My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I’m so proud!”
Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question. “Say, I was just wondering since you’re all grown up now. Have you , um , had sex yet?”.
Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds.
“Um, not according to dad.”!