Yours Fun Portal !
A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and
he finds, there is an additional member of the family,
a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation.
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat
on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it
Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your
friends! Don�t you think I have my own friends too?
You might be a redneck if…
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
You’re moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You”.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of
his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit
guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to have sex
with one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors
have sex with their patients so it’s not like you’re the first.”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still
another voice in his head said, “…but they probably weren’t
veterinarians.”
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat”. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat”. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat’s turn to buy, he told them to “Fuck off!”
So the man went back to the bar and said “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat”.
The Barman was curious about this and said “I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn’t. Why is this?”.
The man replied, “I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish”.
“What did you wish for?” said the Barman.
“I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!”
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.”This is the Bexfield Diamond,” she said.”It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.””What’s the curse?” the man asked.”Mr. Bexfield.”
“John Thune has got a common-sense vision for good forest policy. I look
forward to working with him in the United Nations Senate to preserve these
national heritages.” �George W. Bush, Aberdeen, S.D.
15. Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of “Yes, I Can” by Sammy Davis, Jr.
14. Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the “Quiet Please” sign.
13. Recommends Kato Kaelin’s book.
12. Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.
11. Library only has two sections: “Limbaugh” and “Liddy.”
10. Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray’s Anatomy.
9. When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar.
8. Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the “Rod of Literary Tardiness”.
7. Files Art Buchwald under “Humor”
6. Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot.
5. No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip.
4. Uses the “Dewer’s Decimal System”, which involves regular belts of scotch.
3. Instead of a simple “Shhhh”, uses a bullhorn to say, “One more sound and I cap yo’ ass!”
2. Flashes patrons and yells, “Hey! Check *this* out!”
1. Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
Either an onion with a hell of a kick to it,
or a piece of ass that just makes you want to
cry!
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
this guy got a new car radio you shout soul it plays soul you shout rock it plays he was driving down the street one day and 3 kids ran out in front of him and he shouted fucking kids and the radio played michael jackson