Wife says: Did you know a bull can manage sex every day? That’s 365 times a year!
Husband replies: Yes but he doesn’t have to shag the same cow every night!
Author: admin
Tickets Please
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”
Clinton in hell
Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets
him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity. He opens the first door and Bill
sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says “oh
no. That’s not how I want to spend eternity…”
The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh
chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, “Nope. Not for me.”
The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall
with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex.
Bill says, “Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I’ll take it!”
The Devil then says “Good….. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced…”
The First Law of Wing Walking…
- The First Law of Wing Walking
- Never leave hold of what you’ve got until
you’ve got hold of something else.
Wisdom is what’s left after
Wisdom is what’s left after we’ve run out of personal opinions.
Crossing
Question: Why did the hamster cross the road?
Answer: Because it was stuck in the Chicken’s ass!
Cannibal…
- Cannibal
- Person who likes to see other people stewed.
Gore’s and Hillary’s Revenge
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right
in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “The President Must Go”
written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms
into his security staff�s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on
the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be
standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?” The security
guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers “Well dammit,
don�t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I
want it TONIGHT!” The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well
Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
you want first?” Clinton says “Oh hell, give me the bad news first.” The officer
says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came
back, and it was Al Gore�s urine.” Clinton says “Oh my god, I feel so… so…
betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn…. Well, what�s the really bad news?” The
officer replies, “Well sir, it�s Hillary�s handwriting�.
The Honeymoon
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, “How can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later.”Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “How do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.”The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”And she says, “So have I, love.”To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
List of English Mis-Translations
In a Tokyo Hotel:
“Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.”
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.”
In a Leipzig elevator:
“Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
“To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.”
In a Paris hotel elevator:
“Please leave your values at the front desk.”
In a hotel in Athens:
“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.”
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
“The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the
chambermaid.”
In a Japanese hotel:
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.”
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
“Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.”
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
“Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
“Drop your trousers here for best results.”
Outside a Paris dress shop:
“Dresses for street walking.”
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
“Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.”
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
“There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.”
A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest:
“It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.”
In a Zurich hotel:
“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.”
In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
“Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”
In a Rome laundry:
“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
a good time.”
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
“Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no
miscarriages.”
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
“Would you like to ride on your own ass?”
In a Bangkok temple:
“It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
a man.”
In a Tokyo bar:
“Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
“We take your bags and send them in all directions.”
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
“ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
In a Budapest zoo:
“Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.”
In the office of a Roman doctor:
“Specialist in women and other diseases.”
In an Acapulco hotel:
“The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
In a Tokyo shop:
“Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best
in the long run.”
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
“Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.”
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
“When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.”
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
“- English well talking.”
“- Here speeching American.”
Sending the Son to College
A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: “Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?”
“You idiot!” His father wrote back. “Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can’t even SPELL!”
If someone with multiple personalities
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?