Q: What state is round on each side and high in the middle?
A:Ohio!!
Author: admin
Ape Escapee
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or whether I am my keeper’s brother.”
Magic Cream
A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said “Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days.”The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.The man asked him what the cream was.The doctor replied, “Just lipstick remover.”
Dog story
A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.
The woman on the other end of the phone said, “My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can’t get them apart.”
The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said “Yes, but it didn’t work.”
He said, “Did you try hitting them with a broom.”
She said, “Yes, but that didn’t work either.”
He then said, “Well Ma’am here’s what you do. Hang up. I’ll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.”
She said, “Do you really think that will work?”
He said, “Well it just did for me!”
The Pope, OJ Simpson, and Bill Clinton
The Pope, OJ Simpson, and Bill Clinton were in a boat when it started to sink.
“Women and children first!” cried the Pope.
� F–k the women.” said OJ.
� Think we have enough time?” asked Bill Clinton.
Lord,…
Lord,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill
because they pissed me off.
Off To The Foot Doc
There was this drunk who said to the bartender, “I want a woman!” so the bartender gave him directions to a place.
The drunk was so messed up that he couldn’t remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctor’s office.
The lady at the counter asks, “Can I help you?”
The Drunk says, “Yes, I want some service.” So the lady replies, “Go in the other room and put it on the table.”
So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
The lady comes in and says, “That’s not a foot!”
The drunk replies, “Give it time, lady, Give it time.”
Search Party
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Coudn’t find
One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand
trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what
that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People’s Policeman). Just as
he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to
Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss
is. The little boy responds: “It’s a VoPo!” So the officer beats him.
The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same
officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks
what he is doing. The boy responds “I’m making another VoPo!” So the officer
beats him.
The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing
just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly
“what are you making today?” The boy responds: “A G.I.!” The officer asks: “And
why not a VoPo?” The boy responds: “Couldn’t find any Scheiss.”
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not
been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant
about all the new technology. A technician followed her
onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking
machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate
to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning
machine.”
In the Freezer
What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?Frosted flakes.
Erin Go Bra Shopping
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, and walked up to the
woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife”
What type of bra?” asked the clerk?
“Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”
“Look around, ” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material.�Actually, even with all of this variety, there
are really only three types of bras, �replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied “The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?”
Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”
The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports
the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills.”