Did you know their making a movie about the Grand Forks Flood? It’s called, ‘A River Runs Over It.’
Author: admin
We got a lot of those.
Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask “Now what’d you go and do THAT for?” The Texan just drawled “Where I come from, we got a lot of those.”
Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out “Where I come from, we’ve got a lot of those.”
Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that. “Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle’s worth a nickel.”
Yo Mama…
Yo mama is so nasty I asked her what we were having for dinner tonight and she opened her legs and said crabs.
Land of Oz
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they’re in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle announces: “I’ll ask the Wizard for a brain.”
Gingrich responds: “I’ll ask him for a heart.”
Clinton looks around and says: “Where’s Dorothy?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Medium Chicken
Why did the chicken go to the trans-channel medium?
To get to the “other side”
Broken Washing Machine
Q: What do you do if the washing machine breaks down
A: Slap the bitch
Saving for holiday
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea — each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills.” The wife replied: “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”
Shape of Penis
Ohio Stae was wondering why the mans penis was shaped like it was. They ask the goverment for a millions dollars to study it. The study last a year and the report was to give the female more satisfaction during sex. Norte Dame was not satisfied with the answer and they too ask for a million dollars to study it. After studying it for a year they came back and said it was to give the male more satisfaction during sex. Flordia was not satisfied with the studies so they ask for a six pack and called the next day and said it was to keep your hand from sliding off while masterbating.
Baptisms
Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day.
Their dad wouldn’t let them play in the sprinkler because he was mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble.
They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one of them jumped up and declared, “I know! Lets get baptized!”
Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and told the pastor they wanted to get baptized.
The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men’s room and dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on their way.
The boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole adventure, when one of them asked the other, “Hey, what religion are we now?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other. “If we were Baptists, he would have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it on our heads from a pitcher…”
They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one said in a small voice, “Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I think that it means that we’re ‘pisscapalin.”
Missing Items from the Tech Museum
As most of you know, the new Tech Museum (www.thetech.org) just opened in San Jose and it’s a pretty cool place, but if they REALLY wanted to capture life in Silicon Valley, they should have included some of the following:
1. The Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator: Ever wonder what it’s like to work 80 hours a week? You can now experience blurry vision, diminished reaction time, the health effects of eating nothing but Doritos, and the heart-racing excitement of Jolt Cola addiction with the Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator! Hey, who are those strangers claiming to be your family? They’re just part of the mysteries you’ll experience at the Tech Museum!
2. The “Find Help At Fry’s” Cyber-Challenge: Don your Virtual Reality goggles and take a tour in the Valley’s favorite electronics chain! Your challenge: find someone who can help you. It’s not as easy as it sounds, though. If you do find someone, you still have to somehow get them to make eye contact! And once you get help, the challenge isn’t over! You still have to avoid the “Let me get my manager” monster, endure the perpetual “Humans as Cattle” cash register corral, and make it past the paranoid door Nazi without getting a body cavity search! Youch!
3. The Valley Fair Mall Parking Space Scavenger Hunt: Your mission: get in our car simulator and find parking at the Valley’s most congested mall! Extra points for finding a space within a one-mile radius of the mall itself. Next year we hope to make this scavenger hunt even more challenging when we violate the laws of conservation of mass with the addition of the Town and Country Monument to Bad City Management!
4. “Sell or Die”!: Kids will learn valuable lessons playing this interactive game designing and marketing superior, technically-advanced products that fill a niche and meet a need. But wait! The fun is just starting! It’s time to play “Sell or Die”! Kids get to choose whether they will let themselves be bought out by the “innovative” Microsoft, or whether they will resist the urge and have their products undersold by Microsoft’s inferior competing products! The fun is in seeing how long you can last in the face of unfair marketing practices. The last player to go bankrupt paying their legal bills wins! Extra points for kids who survive long enough to testify in front of the Justice Department!
5. Mr. Jobs’ Wild Ride: Get in your Apple Stock Rocket and experience the wildest roller coaster ride of your life! Just when you think the Rocket is about to hit a wall, swerve wildly and unexpectedly to one side and avoid certain death (for now)! And the best part is, your fate is completely in the hands of one all-powerful and unpredictable hippy-turned-power-player-turned-exile-turned-interim-CEO-for-life! And look out! The Larry Ellison Hot Wind Machine will try to blow you off course! You’ll lose your lunch on abrupt policy changes, and scream your lungs out as you freefall on the final Mac Clone Maker Betrayal Drop of Death! Riders can then regain their composure looking at the:
6. San Jose Mercury News Wall of Premature Apple Obituaries: Get up close and personal with Valley history by reading over 15 years of stories lamenting the imminent death of everyone’s favorite fruit company! With all that circling, don’t buzzards ever get dizzy?
7. The Silicon Valley Virtual Commute Race Course: You have two hours to go 15 miles! Think you can do it? Well, buckle yourself into our simulator and give it a try! The Tech Museum offers several race courses to choose from: Try the “880 Endurance Course”! Hey! You finally made it past the Winchester Mystery Puddle at The Alameda on-ramp, and you’re finally up to 25 mph! You’ll make Brokaw Road in no time. But look out! 101 merges into 880 AND the freeway goes down to two lanes AT THE SAME TIME! Who designed this nutty course? Or try the “17 Face Off of Doom”! You’re behind one truck in the right lane going 21 mph. The truck in the left lane is going 20.5 mph! Calculate how many hours it will be before you can pass both trucks! Or try the 680 “Trail of Tears”! You’ve got to make it from Pleasanton to Fremont with only one full tank of gas! Sound easy? Don’t forget the inept Caltrans contractors who block off lanes for no reason at all!
Behind the bush
They’ve only just met this evening. But it’s spring and they can barely control themselves.
Quickly they walk through the park and lay down behind an elder-bush in the moonlight.
When everything’s over he says in a low voice; “Honey, if I knew you were a virgin I would have slowed down a little”.
On which she whispers: “Darling, if I knew you could control yourself a little longer I would have taken off my panties”.
Flicken The Chicken
There once was a chicken that was part human. His name was Flicken!he lived on a farm on a planit called Marco.
This planat that Flicken The Chicken lived on was chasing after there moon called Polo! Pola left the orbit of Marco because they did not like it that Marco was controling them.
One day Flicken was hanging around his house eating his breakfast. And out of no where can crashing down was nun other then the moon Polo!!! Flicken ran very fast and right behind Polo crashed and just missed him!!!!!!
That was the whole story!!!
THE END!!