(Jokeindex.com note: Hey, I know it’s not a joke, but _we_ think these things are hilarious.) Subject: Virus WarningWARNING Message from IBMIf you receive an e-mail titled ‘JOIN THE CREW/for PENPALS’, DO NOT OPEN IT!It will erase EVERYTHING on your hard drive. Send this letter out to as many people as you can. This is a new virus and not many people know about it. This information was received by IBM. Please share it with anyone that might access the internet. PENPAL appears to be a friendly letter asking you if you are interested in a penpal, but by the time you read this letter it is TOO late. The Trojan horse virus will have already infeacted the boot sector of your hard drive, destroying all the data present. It is a self-replicating virus, and once the message is read it will AUTOMATICALLY forward itself to anyone who’s e-mail address is present in your box! This virus will destroy your hard drive and hold the potential to DESTROY the hard drive of anyone whose mail is in your box and whose mail is in their box and so on…..So DELETE any message titled PENPAL or JOIN THE CREW.This virus can do major DAMAGE to worldwide networks PLEASE PASS THIS ALONG TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE IN YOUR MAILBOXES. AOL HAS SAID THIS IS A VERY DANGEROUS VIRUS, AND THERE IS NO REMEDY FOR THIS.
Author: admin
Math Test
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to
his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you
failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a
math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed,
and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now
concentrate… what is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?”
“Did you say 4?!?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on
coach, give him another chance!”
Micheal jakson
why did micheal jackson and squirel cross the road and go back?
they both forgot their NUTS!!
You might be a redneck if…goal
Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT…
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN’T…
“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
“Don’t play with your meat.”
“Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
“How many are coming?”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“Just lay back & take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
Yo family so
Yo family so poor I saw you digging in a trash can, I ask, What ya doing. You said, Going grocery shopping.
The Top 12 Office Activities the First Day of Your Boss’s Vacation
12. Best imitation of the boss wins everything in the supply room contest.
11. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.
10. The battle begins for the coveted “Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris” Triple Crown.
9. Use boss’ computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter of NOW.
8. Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.
7. A rousing game of “Pin the Secretary’s Tail on the Boss’ Desk.”
6. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
5. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.
4. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let’s Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
3. Wagering on intern lip lock endurance matches in the file room.
2. “Performance reviews” given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping clerk’s bare ass.
1. Convincing the boss’s daughter be your intern.
[ This list copyright by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]The complaint
The complaint:
Ms.B.Haven;
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The response:
Dear Penis;
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
Editted by Calamjo and Curtis
Brain Transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ”Brains
are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
”Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
”For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the
doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men
nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient’s daughter was
unsatisfied and asked, ”Why the difference in price between male brains and
female brains?”
”Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor. ”Women’s brains have to be
marked down because they’ve actually been used.”
Car ads explained
If the ad claims… It really means
“Rough condition”… Too bad to lie about
“Parts car”… Beyond repair
“Immaculate”… Recently washed
“Engine quiet”… If you use 90-weight oil
“Needs minor overhaul”… Needs engine
“Needs major overhaul”… Phone the junkyard
“Burns no oil”… It all leaks out
“Drive it away”… I live on a hill
“Drive it anywhere”… Within 10 miles
“Desirable classic”… No one wants it.
“Rare classic”… No one wanted it even when it was new.
“Stored 20 years”… (In a farmer’s field)
“Ran when stored”… Won’t start
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
confession
A new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The
priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity
of the confessional.
She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister
Bernadette.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels
on your way to the altar.”
3 Little Pigs
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often adlibs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his new entrants class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, ‘And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?”
Then the teacher asked the class, ‘And what do you think that man said?’
And my friend’s son raised his hand and said ‘I know! I know. He said, “Holy shit! A talking pig!”‘
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.