Who Says a “Blonde” is Stupid? When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport left”, she turned around and went home. She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”. When the computer said “Press any key to continue”, she couldn’t find the “Any” key. She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday. When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, “Cherry or Grape?” She sat on the TV and watched the couch. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, “Free Lays!”. She tried to drown her goldfish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change. They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade. She took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Under “Education” on her job application, she puts “Hooked on Phonics.” She thinks socialism means partying. She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of application forms where it says “Sign Here”, she puts “Sagittarius”. She asked for a price check at the dollar store. If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless. She stands up on an empty bus. She studied for a blood test and failed. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. She invented a solar powered flashlight. She sold the car for gas money. When she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends. When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald’s and said, “Hold the cheese”. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies. She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor. When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.
Author: admin
Jelly beans
life is like a bag of jelly beans. no-one likes the black ones.
Last day
A guy walks into a bar and asks for the strongest shot the bartender can make, which he then slams down.
Seconds later, he asks for another . . . and another . . . and another.
Finally, the bartender stops him. “Listen, I’m going to have to cut you off. What’s the problem anyway? Girl trouble?”
“My wife and I had a fight,” he replies.
“She said she’s not talking to me for a week.”
“These things blow over,” says the bartender, attempting to console him.
“You don’t understand. Today is the last day!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Chicken Ears
Why don’t chickens have ears?
Because they grew up on Tyson farms.
Blonde and the Firemen!
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!”
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away…the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
“C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!’ say the firemen to the Redhead.
“Oh no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead.
“No! It’s Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!”
“OK” says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell “Jump! You have to jump!”
“No way! You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.
“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!”
“Look,” the Blonde says, “nothing you say is gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .”
What is the definition of innocence?
Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for
mice.
Blondes
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, “Oh look, a dead bird,” and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, “Where?”
This bloke is standing by the bedside of his…
This bloke is standing by the bedside of his dying boyfriend,
with a tear in his eye he watches him slip away into the next world.
One of the docters quietly comes up behind him and says
“I know this is a bad time for you, but we need to know what you want
done with the body, you know buried, cremated?”
The chap thinks for a while, crying quietly, and finaly says
“I’d like him curried please”
“Curried!” all the docters say in unision “Why?”
“I want to feel him slide out of my ass one more time!”
The Pope�s Surprise
Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted
him in a firm embrace. “Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness
in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access
to all parts of heaven.”
St. Peter continued: “You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at
your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without
prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?”
“Well, yes,” the Pope replied. “I have often pondered some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there
perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and
the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the
dimming of memories over time.”
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained
how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to
review the history of humanity’s relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library.
Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over
and over: “There’s an ‘R’. There’s an ‘R.’ There’s an ‘R’… It’s CELIBRATE, not
celibate!”
Underage Drinker
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge of the hotel and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”
“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.
“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”
Milking Machine
There was this lucky farmer married to a beautiful woman. And
they had kids, a farm, and lots of cows. After some years the
number of cows became so big that they couldn’t milk them by
hand so they bought an electrical milking machine that fills a
bucket with milk in five minutes…
Sometime later his wife takes the kids and goes to visit her
parents. The poor man is so horney he can’t wait for his wife so
he starts jerking off every night. One night he thinks to use
the milking machine instead of his hand. So without thinking
anymore he puts his dick inside the machine and turns it on. Oh
god… what a machine. When he is done, all happy, he tries to
take his dick out but it was stuck inside the machine. He tries
and tries but can’t take it out. Suddenly he gets an idea; why
not call the vendor of the machine. So he carries the machine on
his back and goes to the phone….
Farmer: Excuse me sir for calling you up at this late time but I
have a big problem. I’m so ashamed of myself but I did it.
Vendor: Did what?!
Farmer: Since my wife has been to her parents for more than a
week I, I put my dick in the milking machine, but now I can’t
take my dick out. Its stuck.
Vendor: Oh, boy. I’m sorry but you can’t get it out unless the
bucket is full.
Jaimito est� molestando a la
Jaimito est� molestando a la ni�as tir�ndoles polvo de tiza.
La maestra lo sorprende y con una mano escondida atr�s le pregunta:
“Jaimito, �por qu� no te atreves a echarme polvos a m�?”
“Pues… porque usted tiene la regla…”