Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy ’til he was 35. –Jay Leno
Author: admin
Penance for bestiality
An Irish man walks into a church and goes to confess his sinsBloke “father father i fucked a cat”Father “a terrible sin this weeks penance is 20 whips around the back”That night the vicar was thinking how he did it and thought he will give it a go so he picked up his cat turned him round and was just about to start when the cat turned and clawed his bollocks blood was coming out everywhereNext week the same bloke came in bloke ” father father i fucked a cat again” Father ” how did you do it” bloke ” i put the cat in a box wrap cotton wool around him and cut a hole at the bottom of the box then i am ready”The father turned round and said” your penance this week is to fuck the cat without the box”
Tips on marriage
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
� What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the
dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
� I know all that.”
� Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
� Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Until Twelve
I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!
Redneck quickies 29
You might be a redneck if…You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q. Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet. You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog. You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.Your dad says, “Let’s hit the road for dinner,” and then grabs a shovel. You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself. The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
Did you make a donation?
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn’t made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, “Why not call him up?”He calls up the lawyer.”Sir, according to our research you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?”The lawyer responds, “A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?”The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, “Well, no sir, I’m…””Does your research show that my sister’s husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!”The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. “I’m terribly sorry…””Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?”The worker is completely humiliated at this point. “I am sorry sir, please forgive me…””The gall of you people! I don’t give them anything, so why should I give it to you!”
There is no evidence to
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
Jungle
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks
the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, “Hey, cut it out,
alright.” The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front
tiger turns angrily and says,” I said don’t do that again!” The rear tiger says
“sorry” again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front
tiger turns and says, “What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop.” The rear
tiger says, “I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I’m just trying to
get the taste out of my mouth.”
When is it appropriate to throw a glass of…
When is it appropriate to throw a glass of wine in your
Italian girlfriends face?
When her beard is on fire.
Seminars For Men:
1. Combating Stupidity.
2. You Can Do Housework Too.
3. PMS – Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut.
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray.
5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am.
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called “Don’t Wash my Silks”).
8. Parenting – No, it doesn�t End with Conception.
9. How not to Act like an Ass, when you are Obviously Wrong.
10. Get a Life – Learn to Cook.
11. Spelling – Even you can get it right.
12. You – The Weaker Sex.
13. Reasons to give Flowers.
14. How to stay awake after sex.
15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve you anywhere but the Washroom.
16. Garbage – Getting it to the Curb.
17. The Morning Dilemma – If It’s Awake, Take a Shower.
18. I’ll wear it if I Damn Well Please.
19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called “No, It’s Not A Bidet”).
20. Give me a Break – Why we know your excuses are B.S.
21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous.
22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost.
23. The Remote Control – Overcoming your Dependency.
24. Romanticism – Other Ideas Besides Sex.
25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes.
26. Changing your Underwear – It Really Works.
27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children.
28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver.
29. Male Bonding – Leaving your Friends at Home.
30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary.
31. The Attainable Goal – Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary.
32. Honest, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson – Especially When Naked.
Old Husband
An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“That’s right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 96 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a tight fist, “I fights ’em.”
Cheese
Q. What do you call cheese that�s not yours?
A. Notch (not your) cheese.