Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.
Author: admin
Bill Gates Locked Out
One day Bill Gates left work, started driving off, and
remembered he’d left his suit-jacket in the office. He stopped
the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the
jacket.
When Bill returned to his car, he realized that he’d locked the
keys inside the car, with the lights were on and the engine was
still running. He ran back to the office frantic for help.
He found a security guard – and DEMANDED immediate assistance.
After less than 5 seconds, the guard popped the door open, which
impressed and amazed the programmer to no end.
Bill asked, “Sir, I demand that I keep THAT paperclip NOW!” The
guard replies kind of perplexed, “Sure, it’s just a paper clip.”
With a great big satisfied smile, Bill replied, “Great, I’ll
keep it in the glove compartment in case I ever do THAT again!”
Death row next in line
There are three women, one is a blonde one is a brunet and one is a red head. They are all on execution.The guard brings the brunet up to the executioner. He askes do you have any last words? She says No.Then the executioner shouts ready…aim… EARTHQUAKE!screams the brunet, everyone looks around and she ecscapes. Then the angry guard gets the red head. The executioner askes her the same thing.She says No then the executioner yells ready…aim…and then the red head shouts TORNADO!Everyone looks around and she escapes too. By then the blonde understands why the two other women were screaming. Then the executioner asks the same question and she also says No then he yells ready…aim…and the blonde yells FIRE!
Departmental stores
A family enter alarge departmental store in a predigious area of London.After browsing the store for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.It is then that they notice a seal standing in acorner situated near the counter. He appeared to be dressed in a period english gentlemans outfit and nodded frequently when customers goods were packaged.The afore mentioned family then placed their purchases on the counter and each time goods were packaged the seal nodded as if in agreement.Afterthe third purchase was made the head of the family asked the counter assistant why the seal nodded each time a purchase was made. Oh,I,m surprised you asked me that because he is obviously our seal of approval
Mouse Tattoo
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, “Well, I have a tattoo, too!”The men all look surprised.The woman continues, “I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?”The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.One of the men asks, “What’s wrong, sweet lady?”The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, “Oh, nothing, I can’t show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it.”
Your momma
your momma
FIRE BLOND
A RED,BLOND,AND A BRUEET WHERE TAKEN HOSTAGE BYE BANK ROBBERS AND WERE ASKED IF THEY HAD ANY LAST WORDS. THE RED HEAD SAID TWISTER AND THE ROBBERS DUCK AND SHE GOT AWAY. THE BRUNEET SAID FLOOD THEY DUCK AND SHE GOT AWAY. THEY GO UP TO THE BLOND AND PUT HER AT GUN PUT AND THEY ASK HER IF SHE HAS ANY LAST WORDS AND SHE SAYS FIRE.
How to Keep a Blonde Busy…
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Put her in a room the shape of a circle and tell her to find the corner!
Chicken and the road thru history.
Famous interpretations of “Why did the Chicken cross the road?”
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him down!
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we’ll find out.
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what “they” call it: the “other side”. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you’re telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it’s true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
pirate walks in to a bar
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels in his pants and the bartender says u know u have a steering in ur pants and the pirate says arg its drivin my nuts crazy
Wrong House?
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness?
It means you’re in the wrong house!
Chocolates
Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?
A: Some have nuts and some don’t!